Why the Unknown will Never be Enough for Adoptees

When my plane touched down in Newfoundland, Canada in 1991, I was welcomed by a hundred people from the tiny fishing village where my birth mother was raised. Hundreds of eyes stared when I reached the stairway leading to the airport exit. Hand in hand with my birth mother, I looked over their recognizable faces. So many of their features were familiar, yet we were strangers. They were fascinated, awestruck and shocked at the family resemblance.  I was a lost member of the tribe, home at last.

To finally touch the ground of your ancestors is healing. To stand before the graves of your great grandparents completes the circle of life. To learn fly fishing from your grandfather whose prominent nose you inherited, and look into the laughing brown eyes of your grandmother is a priceless joy.

My blood heritage turned a transparent, haphazardly sketched self-portrait into a bold, permanent masterpiece.

This morning, I read a piece by blogger Deanna Doss Shrodes. Adoptee Restoration: Adoptees: Why Can’t You Just Be Okay With the Unknown?.
In this heartfelt post, Deanna talks about answering yearly medical questions when you are an adoptee.  In discussing the  frustration of not knowing your medical background, Deana writes, “You don’t know what it’s like to not have something until you’ve been without it. My friend Laura Dennis says it’s like trying to explain what it’s like to starve to a person who has always had food. ”

That statement reminded me of my first visit to Newfoundland and of standing on the foundation of the first house my ancestors built on the rock. The house was taken long ago by the harsh winhomed and salt air of the bluff. I stood at the center of the rough stone foundation, built by a relative from Wales who’d braved an Atlantic crossing as cabin boy. The stones were barely visible beneath the dirt, yet it was mine to know.  I am home. I am found, I thought, sending thanks to a universe that allowed me to find the physical  foundation of my identity.

Months after that trip, I traveled to a different part of Canada to meet more family and attend a wedding. At that wedding I shared with a cousin, the experience of standing on the foundation. I believed that since he was raised by the family and spent many summers in the seaside community, he would have stood amid the blueberry bushes and experienced the overwhelming power of our shared history and belonging.  The history was his to know during all the years I’d yearned to find it. Our foundation was within a few short steps for the non-adopted cousin.

To my surprise, he did not know about the house or the man who built it.  He had been wrapped in a lifetime of knowing and took for granted the history that gave him life.

A heritage that is open and available is easy to ignore.

The non-adopted often ask why we search? Why we need to know?  As Deanna Doss Shrodes blogged, explaining is ” like trying to explain what it’s like to starve to a person who has always had food.”

Blessings for enough information,

Vicki-lynn

Holiday Wonder: Not so Wonderful for Adoptees in Search

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to each of you. This can be the hardest time of year for adoptees and birth parents in search. The holidays bring  families together and thus the missing member looms ever larger and heavier on wondering hearts.

Amstramgram/Flickr.com

Amstramgram/Flickr.com

My Christmas experience  this year was blessed with knowing where all of my family members are, what they look like, and how they fit into the wonderful, whacky identity that is me. However,  I recall with fervent clarity, the pain and aching wonder of not knowing who I was for 27 years.

Being born on Christmas Eve, meant that every Christmas brought forth images of what it must have been like for my birth mother to be in labor before the holiday, knowing that I would not be going home with her. I now know that it ruined Christmas for her from that day forward. My half-brother and sister, always wondered why she was so sad at Christmas, and only when I found her in 1992 did they finally understand.

If you are Christian, this season is all about the miracle birth of Jesus, and so your own miraculous entry into the world comes to mind. For more than two decades, I  wondered if anyone smiled when I was born. I wondered if my birth mother thought of me on my birthday. I wondered if the nurses at the hospital put me in a stocking because I was a Christmas baby (as I’d seen depicted on TV).

My holiday gift to you, is to simply tell you that – I get it. I acknowledge the hidden pain of not knowing. You are perfectly normal to wonder about the missing puzzle piece. Whether signed away or stolen, you have a right to feel empty, and cheated, especially during this family focused season. I am sorry for your loss, and hope with all my heart that 2013 will be a year of glorious reunion for you.

Miracles do happen, and so I will end with a story of holiday hope and adoption reunion from Ireland.

Family’s dream Christmas reunion becomes a reality | Irish Examiner.

Blessings for a peaceful heart and the calm that knowing brings,
Vicki-lynn

New York Times on Dark Side of Adoption Info on Internet

In a recent article, “Internet Use in Adoptions Cuts 2 Ways” New York Times reporter Ron Nixon discusses a report by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a nonprofit organization working to change adoption policy in America. 3094227198_866aac21d5_z

The report (released today) is the culmination of a three-year research project by the Institute on how the Internet and social media have altered the adoption landscape.

Despite the group’s active support of open-records for all adult adoptees, the report presents much more than happy reunion stories. It also delves into the devilish character of on-line adoption agencies, and the fraud that is often perpetuated by them.  The report also discusses why access to online information is not always positive for underage adoptees, especially in cases where an abused child is found by a birth parent.

I look forward to reading the full report which is available here: http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2012_12_UntanglingtheWeb.pdf

Blessing for reunion,
Vicki-lynn

Boston Catholic Charities Insults Adoptees with Search Fees: Time for Penance

Penance

Penance

I just stumbled upon a pdf document titled “Catholic Charities’ Search and Reunion Policy.” The document, posted by Catholic Charities Boston Archdiocese, outlines the rules and fees for adoption reunion services.

Catholic Charities altered adoptee birth dates, and background information in the 1960s-80s, and the organization has been accused of forcing unwed mother’s  to give up their babies.  (See the Dan Rather report). Yet the agency has the gall to charge for reunion information.

In the wake, of national apologies for forced adoptions in Australia, and amid the frustration of searching adoptees stuck in a sea of red tape and lies, you would think that such a ‘Christian’ organization would go out of it’s way to assist the adoptees whose identities they altered- for FREE!

What happened to The Catholic Premise of paying penance for sins committed against God and neighbor?

I am posting the list of fees and rules from the undated document below. Also, I want to mention that I was placed through Children’s Aid Society of New York, and I did not pay a penny for my non-identifying information.

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Catholic Charities’ Search and Reunion Policy

Our Mission: Catholic Charities recognizes that adoption is a lifelong process. Our post adoption program offers a continuum of services that respects the relationships among the adoptee, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents. In all circumstances, confidentiality and our clients’ best interests are our primary concern.

Catholic Charities Serves:
• Adopted persons – all individuals who were adopted through Catholic Charities in the Boston Archdiocese of Massachusetts and all other agencies for which Catholic Charities now maintains the records.
• Birth parents and siblings of persons adopted, as stated above.
• Adoptive parents of adoptees that are still minors, as stated above.

How Massachusetts Law Guides Catholic Charities’ Services:
Catholic Charities’ policies and procedures comply with Massachusetts General Law c.210 section 5D governing the release of adoption information.
The law specifically addresses the exchange and disclosure of adoption information, both identifying and non-identifying, that an agency holds in its records. It states that an adoptee cannot request, without parental consent, non-identifying information before they are 18, and identifying information before they are 21. It states that identifying information cannot be
released without a signed consent from a birth parent or an adoptee. It also states that a birth parent’s release needs to be at least 30 days old before identifying information is released.

However, it does not address or preclude the agency from utilizing that information to locate or contact any member of the adoption triad and inquire as to their wishes regarding contact. If permission is granted, it must be in writing. If permission is not granted, either because the person cannot be found or the party has declined to grant permission, release of identifying information is prohibited by the above law. Siblings and other family members are not addressed in the statute and therefore have no legal standing to information separate from the birth parents.

Confidentiality, with all its rights and responsibilities, belongs to the birth parent(s) and the adoptee, and only they or a court of competent jurisdiction may waive their rights.

In accordance with this, siblings who were not themselves adopted and other family members who wish to receive information or initiate a search cannot do so unless the birth parent is deceased. In which case, the birth parent’s death certificate and documentation from the inquiring party, demonstrating the relationship to the birth parent, must be furnished.

In all cases, the decision to proceed with a search to locate someone is the discretion of the agency. It is also Catholic Charities’ policy to attempt to notify all parties who have a signed release on record to determine if they still want to release identifying information, unless the release clearly indicates that prior notification is not required.

What We Offer Adoptees
• Adoptees can update their birth family/adoptive family’s files with personal information and their wish for contact with their birth parents if their birth parents were to contact us. There is no cost for this.
• Adoptees who are 18 or older can request that their birth family/adoptive family’s records be reviewed for a signed release. There is a $25.00 fee for this.
• Adoptees who are 18 years or older can request only medical information contained in the record. The cost for this service is $50.00.
• Adoptees who are 18 or older can request non-identifying information from the file, including all background information that is in the record, and copies of medical or psychological reports relating to them. The background information would be documented in summary form. The cost for this is $150.00.

Adoptees can request a search for their birth parents providing they are 21 years or older, or have their adoptive parent’s permission.

• When a search is requested and there is no consent to release identifying information in the record, the Adoption Department’s clinical team will determine whether to grant such a request. If the request is approved, Catholic Charities will make all reasonable efforts to locate the identified individual and will act as an intermediary to determine whether that person is agreeable to contact. The agency will discuss search-related issues and concerns with either party as needed. If the identified person is agreeable to contact, CatholicCharities will facilitate contact between the two parties. The parties will be responsible for the nature and extent of continued communication. The fee for up to five hours of work on each birth parent search is $250.00. Additional work will be billed at $50.00 per hour.
• When a search is requested and there is a consent in the record but the information is not current, Catholic Charities will attempt to locate the identified party to establish their current disposition. If the identified person is agreeable to contact, Catholic Charities will facilitate contact between the parties. The fee for up to five hours of work on each birth parent search is $250.00. Additional work will be billed at $50.00 per hour.
• When a search is requested and there is a current release in the record, Catholic Charities will notify the parties involved and facilitate contact as requested. The fee for this is $150.00.
• If an adoptee has the identity and whereabouts of their birth parent, they can request that an adoption professional make the initial contact. Catholic Charities will verify the information that is provided, and contact the birth parent to determine if they agree to contact. The agency will discuss search-related issues and concerns with each party and facilitate contact. The cost for this service is $150.00.

Birth Parents
• Birth parents are encouraged to update their file with personal information and their disposition regarding contact with the child they placed for adoption. There is no fee for this.
• Birth parents can request that their record be reviewed for a release from the adopted child. The fee for this service is $25.00.
• Birth parents can request non-identifying information regarding the family that adopted their child. The background information would be documented in summary form. The fee for this service is $150.00.
• Birth parents can request a copy of their birth parent record. The cost for this is $25.00.
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Blessings for a speedy and  FREE reunion!

Vicki-lynn

Video News: Rhode Island Law Leads to Adoption Reunion

Eerily similar to my own reunion at Boston’s Logan Airport in 1992, this NBC news report reminds us why state adoption laws must be changed. Open records and access for all adult adoptees, will only be possible when state legislators cut through the red-tape, and change outdated adoptions laws.

Today. most adoptions are open. All parties enter an adoption agreement with identities revealed, nationalities intact and birthday’s remembered. In the 1950’s. 60’s and 70’s, unwed pregnancy was viewed as a sin against God, family and society. The children placed during those decades are now adults  in a wholly different world, and state laws should reflect the new culture of acceptance, genetic importance, and basic human rights.

Bravo, to Rhode Island for opening its adoption records to allow for this wonderful reunion.

To learn how to access your RI adoption records, check out the post ‘RI Adoptees over 25 Years Allowed Original Birth Certificates.’

Blessings that all states see the light, and open our records,

Vicki-lynn

Don’t Miss the Movie- “Adopted: for the Life of Me”

Today, I am sharing a link to the heartbreaking trailer for the movie “Adopted: For the Life of Me”. The movie aired on PBS, and while there are no future airings currently listed on the PBS site, you can purchase the DVD here.

When you visit filmmaker Jean Strauss’ site, be sure to read about her upcoming movie project (she needs moola to complete it), and about her significant work as an advocate for adoptee rights.

Jean Strauss

If Jean’s name sounds familiar, it is probably because she wrote a great search & reunion book titled,  “Birthright: the Guide to Search and Reunion”.

The film previewed in this trailer, explores the lifelong affects of never knowing your real name, heritage, or medical information. It presents the stories of real people, who late in life, are still living in the darkness of sealed records.

http://www.adoptedforthelifeofme.com/

Blessings to know your name at last,

Vicki-lynn

Register at TroysList.org: A Free Reunion Registry from ‘The Locator’

“Half of the world is looking for the other half.” – Troy Dunn

Troy Dunn

Many of you are probably  familiar with the show ‘The Locator’ starring Troy Dunn. The show airs on WE tv, and facilitates marvelous reunions between lost loves, adoptees, and estranged family members.

With the help of Search Quest America, a trusted third party search provider for TroyTheLocator.com, the show and his site, have reunited thousands of people.  You can view a collection of ‘The Locator’ episodes here, and learn more about the show at the official show site.

‘The Locator’ is bombarded with requests, and since they cannot possible address them all, Troy has created a reunion board/database called Troys List.

While you must register to post on Troy’s List, the database is free, and searchable by location, and type of search.

The list is of special interest to adoptees and birth parents in search. However, it also includes posts for missing school mates, lost family, lost childhood friends, military buddies, old neighbors and more.

Troy’s describes the list  in his ‘about’ section as; “a free, mutual consent registry for those wanting to be reunited with a long lost loved one. It’s purpose is to provide a safe, no-cost environment for those in search.”

Dunn also cautions, “all those searching to guard your personal information closely, being very careful where you post it and how much information you share with strangers. While there are many people and organizations willing and able to assist you, there are also too many who will prey upon you. ”

Search Troy’s List today, and make sure you register. Your family could be just a click away!

Blessings for a speedy reunion,

Vicki-lynn

Printable Poster: Original Birth Certificate (OBC) Laws for Adoptees by State

I just discovered a handy printable guide to the rules in every U.S. state regarding access to original birth certificates.  Available at adopteerightscoalition.com, the chart/poster presents details on every U.S. state You can either download it, and view as a pdf file or print it.

Adoptee Rights Coalition Poster

The Adoptee Rights Coalition is a group that “supports legislation that will give all adopted adults unconditional restored access to their own birth certificates.” The Coalition holds rallies across the county, and its site is chock full of information on  adoptee rights, and legislation.

If you’re interested in the cause of equal access for adoptees, there are several ways to get involved.  First,  consider attending the Adoptee Rights Demonstration scheduled for August 2013 in Atlanta, Georgia.  More details on this event will be posted at adopteerightscoalition.com as they become available.

Can’t make it to Atlanta? No problem, there are other ways to get involved. The Adoptee Rights Coalition also hosts writing campaigns “to inform all state legislatures of the urgency of unsealing our records to restore the equality of adoptees in the United States. ”

As with most non-profits, the group could also use financial donations to keep the cause alive.   There is a Paypal button on the website! For more ways to help, visit http://www.adopteerightscoalition.com/p/help-arc.html .
Civil rights should extend to all humans, and I am happy to focus on a group that is working  to assure that adoptees are finally recognized and reunited with their truth!

Blessings  for access and reunion,

Vicki-lynn Brunskill

Australia Apologizes for Forced Adoptions: America Next?

There has been quite a bit of adoption buzz this week on forced adoption practices in Australia during the 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s.  The news culminated with yesterday’s public apology by New South Wales Premier Barry O’Farrell.

ABC News Australia reports that O’Farrell’s apology was this:

“We are sorry you’ve had to wait for so long for this apology. We know that you live with the consequences of those practices every day.

We are sorry for the forced adoption practices that severed the fundamental life-giving bonds between mother and child.

We apologise to the mothers who were not asked or listened to and who were never given a choice about the future of their children. We apologise for making you feel ashamed and unfit to care for your babies.

We say sorry for treating you cruelly and insensitively when what you needed and deserved most was care and support.

To the women who have carried the pain of loss, grief and separation throughout your lives, we say sorry.”

Well said, but woefully late and inadequate, the apology has served a greater purpose, in revealing the dirty reality of many adoptions. The news coverage surrounding the apology is an excellent opportunity to educate the general public on the horrors faced by unwed pregnant mothers in the mid-20th century. Not just in Australia, but in America as well.

I recently blogged on the Dan Rather report “Adopted & Abducted” which revealed forced adoption practices in America. Yes, women in our country were also strapped to beds, so they would not attempt escape with their babies. Women in our country were also drugged so that they would never know the gender of their babies. Women in the USA also had their hands held while they were forced to sign adoption papers.

Children were stolen in America, just as they were in Australia.

When will America apologize? Since our adoption practices/laws are governed by state agencies, and most of the forced adoptions of the 50’s-80’s were handled by religious agencies, don’t hold your breath!

Rather than an apology, my wish for all members of the adoption triad, whether forced or voluntarily separated, is for every state to open records for adult adoptees in search. Adoptees did not sign a relinquishment form, and it should be the  civil right of every American adoptee to know their ethnicity, medical history, and roots.

So forget the apology America, we want justice.

Blessings for a speedy reunion,

Vicki-lynn