A Post Mother’s Day Tribute to Two Mothers

As Mother’s Day is folded and tucked away like a treasured quilt, it is hard for me to imagine a more blessed weekend. I had the good fortune of engaging in a day of celebration with each of my mothers.

The mothers in my life wear labels cast upon them by society and the process that brought them to, and removed them from, my life. They are my birth mother and adoptive mother.  No matter what the labels, they reside in my heart with an enormity so wondrous that at times I feel it will burst.mom

While some take the existence of a maternal figure for granted, I count both of my mothers as blessings hard won, and hard kept. I was born into a world that was not ready, and in her desperate need to see me well, my birth mother made a tortured exit from the hospital with empty arms.

After foster care, I was placed for adoption seven months later. While my adoptive family was not the safe haven my birth mother envisioned, my home was survivable because of the heartfelt love of a woman who never once questioned her role as my caregiver. She lifted me from the crib at the adoption agency and never looked back. In sickness, in health, in torture, in want, in love, she became my mother.Nana

During the seven-year search for my birth mother, I was not looking for a replacement mother. I wanted roots, a face and name to stitch myself too. I was never content to just be. I felt an existential craving to know the place from which I came. I could not move on in life without a biological connection, without touching the face of the woman on whose belly I rested after being born.

I hold in my soul a deep bond with both of my mothers. Their fragility, endurance, and lifelong search for happiness, are life lessons that allow me to smile and forge on.  No industry label can fairly represent the way in which these women became the nurture, and nature of who I am.

They are my earth link, and angels. They are loved far beyond Mother’s Day dinners and swapping of gifts. Without either, I would be so much less.
Love you ladies!

Blessings that all mothers know their worth,

V.L. Brunskill

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~SAVE THE DATE~
SYP Publishing cordially invites you to the launch party for
Waving Backwards, a Savannah novel by V.L. Brunskill
Imagine not knowing who you are,
until you find yourself in a statue 800-miles from home.
July 10, 2015 6-9PM ET at the Savannah Marriott Riverfront.

Pre-orders now available at  Southern Yellow Pine Publishing /Waving Backwards.

 

 

Former Angry Adoptee- Stop the Blame Game

Once upon at time, I was an angry adoptee. I wrote columns and commentaries railing against the big bad system that had placed me in a unsafe home and stolen my documentation, along with my identity.  Of late, I have read quite a few blogs and posts by adoptees who still reel in a emotional whirlwind of hate and blame.

Yuliya Nemova/Flickr

Blame by Yuliya Nemova/Flickr

These ‘blame the birth mom’, and ‘adoptive parents are greedy’ commentaries, make me realize that I’ve entered a new realm of adoptee reality. I am no longer a proponent of  blame. Nor, do I hate the people who placed, abandoned or adopted me.  In its wake, hate has been replaced by the realization that adoption is a necessary but flawed system.  Just ask a foster kid who awaits a forever home. Without the system, too many children would face a lifetime of broken promises and emptiness where connection belongs.

People who enter the adoption triad rarely do so knowing how it will change their souls and life paths. It is easy to blame, but far better to look at our adoptions as one more example of human frailty.  All segments of the triad suffer some sort of  catastrophic break.  As adoptees, our shattered identities often take a lifetime to find and stitch back to the shadows of our lives. We deserve to know where we come from, who we looks like, our genetic identities.

I see my old self in the faces and words of  blaming adoptees, and  I ‘m not sure whether it is age, or finding my family at age 27, and knowing them for twenty years that transformed anger to action.  I just know that I feel better these days, and have much more empathy for all sides of the triad.

Birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees can not be defined with a single sweeping categorization. I have seen attacks on each group of the adoption triad, and whether in it by choice or happenstance, attacking a group as if they are all one kind, is immature and hurtful.

The adoption system requires a transformation to open access for all. It should encourage the retention of identity and all first life connections.  It should not make anyone wealthy. There should  be no lies or altering of documents involved in the placement of children.

Like all things worthy in  this world, adoption should be honest, caring and healing.  The fact that the adoption system is in dire need of an overhaul does not  give us permission to play  the blame game,  attacking members of the adoption triangle. It is time to embrace change with action, not anger.

Blessings for a less angry adoption transformation,
V.L

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Waving Backwards, a Savannah novel (SYP Publishing)
Imagine not knowing who you are,
until you find yourself in a statue 800-miles from home.

COMING TO A BOOKSTORE NEAR YOU AUGUST 2015