Former Angry Adoptee- Stop the Blame Game

Once upon at time, I was an angry adoptee. I wrote columns and commentaries railing against the big bad system that had placed me in a unsafe home and stolen my documentation, along with my identity.  Of late, I have read quite a few blogs and posts by adoptees who still reel in a emotional whirlwind of hate and blame.

Yuliya Nemova/Flickr

Blame by Yuliya Nemova/Flickr

These ‘blame the birth mom’, and ‘adoptive parents are greedy’ commentaries, make me realize that I’ve entered a new realm of adoptee reality. I am no longer a proponent of  blame. Nor, do I hate the people who placed, abandoned or adopted me.  In its wake, hate has been replaced by the realization that adoption is a necessary but flawed system.  Just ask a foster kid who awaits a forever home. Without the system, too many children would face a lifetime of broken promises and emptiness where connection belongs.

People who enter the adoption triad rarely do so knowing how it will change their souls and life paths. It is easy to blame, but far better to look at our adoptions as one more example of human frailty.  All segments of the triad suffer some sort of  catastrophic break.  As adoptees, our shattered identities often take a lifetime to find and stitch back to the shadows of our lives. We deserve to know where we come from, who we looks like, our genetic identities.

I see my old self in the faces and words of  blaming adoptees, and  I ‘m not sure whether it is age, or finding my family at age 27, and knowing them for twenty years that transformed anger to action.  I just know that I feel better these days, and have much more empathy for all sides of the triad.

Birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees can not be defined with a single sweeping categorization. I have seen attacks on each group of the adoption triad, and whether in it by choice or happenstance, attacking a group as if they are all one kind, is immature and hurtful.

The adoption system requires a transformation to open access for all. It should encourage the retention of identity and all first life connections.  It should not make anyone wealthy. There should  be no lies or altering of documents involved in the placement of children.

Like all things worthy in  this world, adoption should be honest, caring and healing.  The fact that the adoption system is in dire need of an overhaul does not  give us permission to play  the blame game,  attacking members of the adoption triangle. It is time to embrace change with action, not anger.

Blessings for a less angry adoption transformation,
V.L

———————————————–
Waving Backwards, a Savannah novel (SYP Publishing)
Imagine not knowing who you are,
until you find yourself in a statue 800-miles from home.

COMING TO A BOOKSTORE NEAR YOU AUGUST 2015

An ‘F’ Word to Feel Good About in the New Year

It came to me after spotting one of those cutesy postcards on Facebook that read, ‘we’re all faking it’. A epiphany of influential interactions flooded my head, followed by a vision of the most powerful F word to ever grace humankind. A word that has made kings of slaves and built a thousand empires. Fword

The word is FAKE.

As an international music journalist, I interviewed top artists of the late 1980’s and early 1990’s. From Aerosmith to Skynyrd, I picked the brains of the best. Later, as a documentation specialist in the tech world, I was surrounded by  a bevy of brilliant physicists. From rock stars to ion rockers, I viewed the success of these men and women in perpetual awe.  I mingled among them in a state of insecure impostering. After all, I was born, given away, re-placed and forced to figure out where I fit in.

During my very first national music interview with the late, great Joey Ramone, my voice cracked, and I giggled a lot. My hands shook as I settled in to an hour long conversation with the punk icon. Sizzling behind every word was my imposter voice. Who are you kidding? He’ll think you’re a groupie.  He didn’t, and the interview was brilliant, fun and launched my career. Before I knew it, record labels were calling on me every time a big act came through Boston. Still, I felt like a flounder flipping about in a dwindling puddle of made-up reality. Evaporation was imminent.

With my physicist colleagues, it was worse. I have a college education, but the terminology tossed about by these men and women was as foreign to me as a ride on the space shuttle. In fact, I went home after the first day on the job and cried. I was a scientific novice, and felt sure they would toss me out. I purchased a periodic table, learned atomic abbreviations and prayed, a lot!

As a kid, the feeling was the same. I was adopted. I knew nothing about my birth family. I pretended that I was like everyone else. But inside I felt made up. Despite the fact that my music and science careers came after I found my birth family. (Read how I found them in this post), I still assigned the source of my fake-dom to being adopted.

What I failed to examine as I trudged through the firestorm of adoptee insecurity were the stories of the rock stars I interviewed, and the scientists I worked with. If I could have tuned out my tenacious imposter’s voice for longer than a nano-second, I would have heard the universal message, “I’m faking it too.”

During an interview with singer Gary Cherone of the band Extreme, he told me about the first time he sang for his mother and grandmother.  He was so shy that he sang from inside the kitchen closet with the door closed. In his heart, Gary was insecure about his talent.

A physicist co-worker from overseas once shared with me his story of studying under the streetlight at the center of his town (because there was no other electricity) and despite being at the top of his field, wondered out loud if a man from such a humble beginning deserved success.

These men were not adopted, and yet they were faking or questioning their success. It never occurred to me that someone who always knew their bloodline could feel like a fake. Everyone appeared so solid, and confident. They were big, important people who wore success like a golden cloak of superiority.

Yet underneath, they questioned their family connections (blood or chosen), life choices, and career successes. Dear readers, in no way am I discounting the extra anxiety and loss of being adopted. If you have read my other blog entries, you already know my heartfelt belief that finding your family is essential for growth and peace. My New Year message to you is one of inclusion.

Knowing that everyone feels like a great big fake at sometime in their life goes a long way to settling in to become who you are meant to be. Feeling like a fake is the result of fear. Worrying about being found out for the authentic, learning, seeking and not so perfect human that you are is universal.  While I don’t recommend you sling the ‘F’ word around this year in an effort to even your human playing field. I do hope you will start 2015 on better footing by listening for the helpful (and humorous) ways your friends, colleagues, and fellow planet-dwellers admit that they too – are faking it.

Blessing for a year of revelations and improved self-worth,
V.L. Brunskill

 

You are Not Alone- Famous Adopted Children

If you’re anything like me, the next couple of weeks will be a frenzied rush of work deadlines, family feasts, wrapping, mailing, cleaning, and making merry. I ran across an adoption site this morning that I just had to share with adoptionfind readers.

So pour yourself a cuppa, put your feet up, and enjoy this fun list of famous adoptees. From Truman Capote to John Lennon, the accomplishments of those listed should remind us that there is no limit to what can be attained by adoptees.  Adoptee-strong!

Re-posted from AmericanAdoptions.com. The site also lists famous adoptive and birthparents.

Blessings for a happy holiday and Merry Christmas,
V.L. Brunskill

FAMOUS ADOPTEES

Kate Adie (journalist)
Edward Albee (playwright)
Maya Angelou (poet and author)
John J. Audubon (naturalist)
Michael Bay (director)
Tallulah Bankhead (actress)
Layne Beachley (surfer)
Lynda Bellingham (actress)
Ingrid Bergman (actress)
Andy Berlin (co-founder of ad agency Berlin Camerson & Partners)
James Best (actor)
Les Brown (motivational speaker)
Surya Bonaly (professional skater)
Richard Burton (actor)
Senator Robert Byrd
Augustus Caesar (emporer of Rome)
Truman Capote (author)
Harry Caray (baseball broadcaster)
Peter Carruthers (professional skater)
Kitty Carruthers (professional skater)
Kristin Chenoweth (actress)
Eric Clapton (singer)
President Bill Clinton
Lynette Cole (Miss USA 2000)
Nat King Cole (singer)
Gary Coleman (actor)
Daunte Culpepper (professional football)
Rachel Crow (X Factor contestant)
Faith Daniels (TV news personality)
Ted Danson (actor, adopted child and adoptive father)
Tommy Davidson (comedian)
Toby Dawson (professional skier)
Eric Dickerson (professional football)
Bo Diddley (musician)
Carl Theodore Dreyer (filmmaker)
Larry Ellison (co-founder and CEO of Oracle)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (poet)
President Gerald Ford
Jamie Foxx (singer, actor)
Scott Fujita (professional football)
Tim Green (professional football)
Jonathon Gilbert (actor)
Melissa Gilbert (actress)
Newt Gingrich (politician)
Faith Hill (singer)
Scott Hamilton (professional skater)
John Hancock (U.S. Founding Father)
Debbie Harry (singer)
Reese Hoffa (Olympic shot putter)
Jesse Jackson (politician)
Steve Jobs (co-founder of Apple)
Eartha Kitt (singer, actress)
Matthew Laborteaux (actor)
Patrick Laborteaux (actor)
John Lennon (singer)
Representative Jim Lightfoot
Allan “apl.de.ap” Pineda Lindo, jr. (singer, member of Black Eyed Peas)
Art Linkletter (TV personality)
Ray Liotta (actor)
Charlotte Lopez (actress and Miss Teen USA 1993)
Greg Louganis (Olympic Gold Medal Diver)
Malcolm X (human rights activist)
Lee Majors (actor)
Nelson Mandela (human rights activist)
Nimmy March (actress)
James MacArthur (actor)
Darryl “D.M.C.” McDaniels (musician)
Frances McDormand (actress)
Tim McGraw (singer)
Sarah McLachlan (singer)
James Michener (author)
Tom Monaghan (founder of Domino’s Pizza, owner of Detroit Tigers)
Lucy Maud Montgomery (author)
Marilyn Monroe (actress)
Moses (biblical leader)
Mother Teresa (humanitarian)
Alonzo Mourning (professional basketball)
Dan O’Brien (Olympic gold medalist, decathalon)
Hugh O’Connor (actor)
Michael Oher (professional football, story inspired The Blind Side)
Jim Palmer (professional baseball)
Aaron Parchem (Olympic figure skater)
Lorraine Pascale (model, author and chef)
Dana Plato (actress)
Edgar Allen Poe (author)
Nicole “Snookie” Polizzi (TV personality)
Priscilla Presley (actress)
Michael Reagan (President Reagan’s son)
First Lady Nancy Reagan
Nicole Richie (TV personality)
Wilson Riles (educator)
First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt
Victoria Rowell (actress)
Buffy Sainte-Marie (singer)
Paull Shin (state senator)
Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy’s, children’s advocate)
Leo Tolstoy (author)
Dr. Ruth Westheimer (media personality, sex therapist)
Mayor Anthony Williams (Washington, D.C. politician)
Jett Williams (singer)

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. No Adoptee, there is no Birth Certificate

Twenty-two years after finding both sides of my birth family, I am still denied access to my original birth certificate.  As I approach a milestone birthday, I once again ponder the meaning of the document, and the preposterous system that sealed away my most personal paper forever.adoption

The paper that recorded my birth on Christmas Eve all those years ago, floats in a bureaucracy of secrets that are no longer sensible to keep. In my daunting 12-year-search for family (pre-internet), I shattered all of the myths and subterfuge sold by social workers along with the right to parent me.  I know my real story. I have stood face-to-face with the sources of my physicality. The shadow identity that was sliced away by adoption is reattached. I am wholly aware of who I am, and where I come from. Yet, I don’t have a single document to prove it!

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. 

virginia

No adoptee, there is no birth certificate.

 

Most American’s believe that access to one’s own birth certificate is an inalienable right. I recently told an American friend that I don’t have access to my birth certificate, and she laughed, “Of course you do, we all have a right to that!”

When I explained that adoptees are a different class of citizens, not governed by the same natural rights, she scoffed again, “I thought that antiquated practice was done away with years ago. I mean it’s 2014, Right?”

Adoptee’s birth certificates do not belong to any court. Nor, do they belong to the adoption agencies that sealed them away with the rest of our identities. This most personal document belongs to the human being to which it refers. As adoptees our history is re-inked on a new birth certificate after adoption. We are expected to live with that document as our new reality. We are to believe in what can never be true.

Whenever I think about the practice of falsifying birth certificates in America, I can’t help but think of the Jewish people who were forced to live as non-Jews during the Holocaust. In order to survive, they required false identity papers.  The world has come to know that forcing people to be who they are not (so that they may survive) is outrageous and unjust. We can all agree that this was a hideous practice that robbed Jewish citizens of their most precious belonging- identity.  Yet, until the 1990’s, America formally embraced the practice of falsifying birth documents through adoption.

Without a court order, I cannot have my original birth certificate, the only existing proof of my original birth name.  I cannot know the time of my birth. I cannot gain a dual citizenship with Canada, which is available to me based on my birth mother’s lineage. I cannot prove my Native American heritage. I cannot hold the first document that set in motion this marvelously complicated life.

I am blessed to have found my birth family, but the documentation of my existence should be mine as well. It seems that I will spend another birthday and Christmas denied the most basic of all American Civil Rights…equal access.

Blessings for access to your ‘real’ papers and love to all,
V.L.

P.S. My Savannah novel ‘Waving Backwards’ has been picked up by a publisher and is scheduled for release in the Summer of 2015.

Imagine not knowing you you are, until you find yourself in a statue 800-miles from home.

It’s Nightmare Adoptive Parent Week on Dr. Phil

So far this week, the Dr. Phil Show has showcased two horror stories about adoptive parents who harmed the children they pledged to raise. I am not a regular Dr. Phil watcher but this week’s story lines captured my attention since each episode showcases an absolute failure of the adoption system, and the need for better screening, enforcement and mandated checks on families AFTER the adoption is final.

The suffering shared on yesterday’s show made me so angry that I ended up yelling at the screen.  Well gosh golly, I found me a racist sexual predator and ignorant wanna-be mother! Gee whiz, let’s give that couple a kid. UGH!

There are many abusive blood parents in the the world too, but there’s something about the abuse and neglect of children at the hands of adoptive parents that makes me insane! When a couple is gifted and assigned to act as legal guardians of a child, they better be ready to walk-the-walk, talk-the-talk, and put in the hard work required to parent that child until they are 18-years old. Failure to do so is an unforgivable sin against the birth parents who could not or would not raise the child.

No matter the source, child abuse results in scars. However, the scars suffered by children adopted into ‘safe’ homes and abused by the very people meant to protect them is a scar on society and the entire adoption system.

Sharing the links and summaries from the Dr. Phil Show below.  The adoption system is just not working folks. If you are one of the happy, bappy, believers that the system is a wonderful fix for needy kids, watch these episodes

Turning a Blind Eye?

Thirty-five-year-old Tonya says from ages 5 to 15, her adoptive father, Bruce, molested her — and that despite her cries for help, her mother, Kathy, did nothing to stop it. Kathy admits that she believed her daughter’s claims but was too afraid to take action. Why did she allow Bruce to live in the same house as her daughter — even after he allegedly admitted to the abuse? Tonya says she was not only betrayed by her mother but also her half-sister, Sarah, Bruce’s biological daughter. Tonya claims that Sarah continued to support her father after he pleaded guilty to sexual acts on or in the presence of a child under 16 in a lewd, lascivious or indecent manner. Tonya faces Kathy and Sarah on Dr. Phil’s stage. Can she find forgiveness and finally heal the wounds of her painful past? Plus, hear from Bruce, who served one year in prison and 10 years of probation and is now a registered sex offender. Does he have any remorse? This show contains strong sexual content. Viewer discretion advised.

Tuesday – August 20, 2013

Missing or Murdered: Where is 15-Year-Old Erica?

In a daytime exclusive, Dr. Phil sits down with the adoptive parents of 15-year-old Erica Parsons, who was last seen nearly two years ago but was only recently reported missing — by her brother. Casey and Sandy claim their daughter is alive and well and has been living with “Nan,” a woman who they believe is Erica’s biological grandmother. So, where is Nan? And, why do these parents say they’re now being accused of murder? What really happened to Erica?

Blessing for placements that protect,Vicki-lynn

SC Cherokee Adoption War: Reader Comment on Father’s Rights

Yesterday, I blogged about the South Carolina case of  Matt and Melanie Capobianco’s custody war against birth father, Dusten Brown. The case has garnered mainstream press attention because the birth father is Native American. Brown’s attorneys used the Indian Child Welfare Act in their fight to secure custody of his daughter who was adopted by the Capobiancos.

My post resulted in 21 thought-provoking, fact laden comments that prove the case should not have been fought on the basis of Brown being Cherokee, but on the fact that he fought for his child from the start. Press accounts make it sound as if he stepped into the child’s life when she was one or two-years old. This is not the case.

So with tail between my linguistic legs, I apologize for the tone of yesterday’s post. For while it never suggests that the child is better off adopted, it does have a tone that could be taken to support the adoption of kids that do not need adopting.  I read several mainstream reports on the case, but failed to dig deeper before tip-tapping my opinion onto the screen.

I still don’t believe in a law that suggests children must be placed with their ‘own kind’. A policy like this would leave more kids in the social service system than ever before. However, in this case, it is Brown’s status as biological father and not as Cherokee that gives him the right to raise his child.

This lengthy comments spells out the father’s case. Thanks to reader ‘Smoke’  for submitting.
Smoke | August 8, 2013 at 4:43 pm | Reply | Edit

1. “He signed his rights away.”
TRUTH:
“It is undisputed that the only consent document Father ever signed was a one-page ‘Acceptance of Service’ stating he was not contesting the adoption, which was purportedly presented for Father’s signature as a prerequisite to the service of a summons and complaint. Thus, Appellants did not follow the clear procedural directives of section 1913(a) in obtaining Father’s consent. Moreover, even if this ‘consent’ was valid under the statute, then Father’s subsequent legal campaign to obtain custody of Baby Girl has rendered any such consent withdrawn. Therefore, neither Father’s signature on the ‘Acceptance of Service’ document, nor his stated intentions to relinquish his rights, were effectual forms of voluntary consent under the ICWA.” – South Carolina Supreme Court There is a legal way to “sign away rights” for good reason, Dusten never came close to any legal relinquishment of parental rights.

2. “He texted his rights away”
TRUTH:
In no state in the country can a father relinquish parental rights by text message. These text messages WERE NOT EVIDENCE at trial because the attorney for the Adoptive Couple would not produce the phone that showed Birth Mother’s messages to father, instead they attempted to introduce photocopies, even though the cell phone was allegedly in a safe at the office of the Guardian Ad Litem’s attorney. The Family Court did not consider these text messages as evidence.

3. “He abandoned his daughter”
TRUTH:
“All attempts to contact Maldonado by Brown and his family members were refused by Maldonado. Shortly after the child’s birth, Brown’s family members purchased some items for the child and attempted to deliver them to Maldonado, but these were rejected. It was clear that Maldonado wanted to have Brown completely and permanently removed from her life and placing the child for adoption without his knowledge or consent would further this goal.” – Family Court “Father testified he asked friends and family if they had seen Mother because she would not reply to his text messages. His mother testified she attempted to contact Mother on several occasions and once left Mother a voice message before Baby Girl’s birth to tell Mother she had money and some gifts for the baby, including items she hand-knitted, but Mother never returned her telephone calls. Mother testified that none of Father’s family members contacted her regarding gifts for Baby Girl.” – Family Court The Family Court repeatedly stated that it did “not find birth mother’s testimony credible.” – Family Court Bench Ruling, United States Supreme Court Brief

4. “It is in Veronica’s best interest to be adopted”
TRUTH:
The only findings based on evidence of Veronica’s best interests found that she should be with her father.

“Brown is the father of another daughter. The undisputed testimony is that he is a loving and devoted father. Even Maldonado herself testified that he was a good father. There is no evidence to suggest that he would be anything other than an excellent parent to this child. . . . Brown has convinced me of his unwavering love for this child.” – Family Court

“The family court order stated, ‘[w]hen parental rights and the best interests of the child are in conflict, the best interests of the child must prevail. However, in this case, I find no conflict between the two.’ Likewise, we cannot say that Baby Girl’s best interests are not served by the grant of custody to Father, as Appellants have not presented evidence that Baby Girl would not be safe, loved, and cared for if raised by Father and his family.” South Carolina Supreme Court

“Plainly, the family court determined that there was no conflict between Father’s best interests and Baby Girl’s best interests.” – South Carolina Supreme Court

5. “He’s not really ‘Indian’”
TRUTH:
Dusten Brown has been a registered citizen of the Cherokee Nation since he was a child. Further, the South Carolina Supreme Court found true cultural ties to the Cherokee Nation:

“The Record establishes that Father’s family has a deeply embedded relationship with the Cherokee Nation. For example, not only does the Record indicate that Father and his family are proud of their heritage and membership in the Wolf Clan, the home study performed on Father’s parents states the following:

[Father’s father] is Cherokee Indian. He grew up knowing he was Cherokee and being proud of who he was. [Father’s parents] . . . prepare the following traditional foods in their home: grape dumplings, buckskin bread, Indian cornbread, Indian tacos, wild onions, fry bread, polk salad and deer meat. [Father’s mother] state[d] she cooks these foods in her home on a regular basis and all of her children have eaten these items.

[Father’s parents] attend the Cherokee Holiday in Tahlequah, Oklahoma[,] when they can and do participate in eating traditional foods, viewing the arts and crafts and watching the traditional games. [Father’s father] participates in voting in the Cherokee elections[,] . . . . took part in learning about the Cherokee culture when his children were in high school by learning to make Indian crafts and learning to play the drum[, and] . . . . is sometimes seen at the Nowata Indian Health Clinic but receives the majority of his health care from the Veterans hospital. He claims his family is from the Wolf Clan, and he has been to, as well as participated, in stomp dances.

[H]is family had Indian land which was located in Pryor, Oklahoma and Cayuga, Oklahoma. He claims to have very traditional ties with his extended family and considers geneology [sic] a hobby by researching his Cherokee culture. [Father’s parents] have many Native American items in their home. Decorative Native American pieces are scattered throughout their home in nearly every room.

Thus, the Record demonstrates that Father and his family are well-positioned to introduce Baby Girl to her Indian heritage.”

6. “He just wants her for money.”
TRUTH:
As all Cherokee Nation citizens know, we don’t get any money for “being Cherokee” or for having “Cherokee kids.” The only people who have made money in this case are the adoption agencies and attorneys.

7. “Cherokee Nation paid Dusten’s legal expenses”
TRUTH:
Cherokee Nation has never spent a single a dime on attorney fees for Dusten Brown. He and his family used every extra dollar they had to pay for attorneys and after that was exhausted, Dusten’s amazing attorneys donated their time because they believed in him and believed that Veronica belonged with her father.

8. “We didn’t know Veronica was Cherokee.”
TRUTH:
“Mother testified that she knew “from the beginning” that Father was a registered citizen of the Cherokee Nation, and that she deemed this information “important” throughout the adoption process. Further, she testified she knew that if the Cherokee Nation were alerted to Baby Girl’s status as an Indian child, “some things were going to come into effect, but [she] wasn’t for [sic] sure what.” Mother reported Father’s Indian heritage on the Nightlight Agency’s adoption form and testified she made Father’s Indian heritage known to Appellants and every agency involved in the adoption. However, it appears that there were some efforts to conceal his Indian status. In fact, the pre-placement form reflects Mother’s reluctance to share this information:

Initially the birth mother did not wish to identify the father, said she wanted to keep things low-key as possible for the [Appellants], because he’s registered in the Cherokee tribe. It was determined that naming him would be detrimental to the adoption.”

“Adoptive Mother testified that, because they hired an attorney to specifically inquire about the baby’s Cherokee Indian status, ‘when she was born, we were under the impression that she was not Cherokee.’” But, “Adoptive Mother testified that the Nightlight Agency’s pre-placement report was ‘probably . . . something I read and didn’t think twice about it.’”

9. “The Guardian Ad Litem supports the Adoption”
TRUTH:
The Family Court appointed a guardian ad litem (“GAL”) who has filed a brief in this Court that purports to be on behalf of Baby Girl and asserts that Baby Girl’s interests would be best served by awarding custody to petitioners. In fact, the GAL is not a neutral party. Although appointed by the Family Court, that court noted that the GAL and her attorney both “were unilaterally selected by [petitioners’] counsel”; the GAL had a continuing business relationship with petitioners’ attorney, with whom she had worked frequently in cases in 2009.

In this case, although the GAL had performed a comprehensive home study of petitioners, she resisted repeated requests from Father’s attorney to conduct a home study of Father. When the GAL finally did conduct such a study, well over a year after her appointment and some five months after counsel’s request, she informed Father and his family that “she knew the adoptive couple prior to the child being placed in their home” and “had worked with them before the child had been placed”; that petitioners were a well-educated couple with a beautiful home, could afford to send Baby Girl to any private school that they chose and, when she was older, to any college she wanted; and that there was nothing that Baby Girl needed that petitioners could not buy for her.

The GAL therefore told Father’s family that they “really need[ed] to get down on [their] knees and pray to God that [they] can make the right decision for this baby” (id. at 148), and they “needed to talk to God and pray about taking the child from the only family that she has known.” At trial, Father stated that the GAL treated him and his family as “a bunch of * * * rednecks that can’t * * * afford anything, that we’re not able to provide this child with proper education, schooling * * *. Pretty much that we weren’t fit to love this child and raise her.”

The GAL’s initial report did not note Baby Girl’s Native American heritage because the GAL thought that was “not something * * * the courts need to take into consideration.” As for the GAL’s view of Native American culture, she stated that the advantages of having Native American heritage “include[ed] free lunches and free medical care and that they did have their little get togethers and their little dances.” Given the GAL’s obvious bias, respondents initially sought her removal.

But rather than delay the proceedings, respondents ultimately withdrew this motion on the understanding that the Family Court would not consider either the GAL’s conclusion regarding Baby Girl’s best interests or the GAL’s custody recommendation. See Pet. Indeed, South Carolina law precludes a guardian ad litem in a private adoption from providing a custody recommendation unless one is requested by the court; no such request was made here. – United States Supreme Court Brief by Father

Blessings for the truth to be told and the power to admit when we are mistaken,
Vicki-lynn

SC Cherokee Adoption War: Blame Indian Child Welfare Act

Matt and Melanie Capobianco adopted a little girl through the legal adoption process in South Carolina. Two years into raising her (in what is reported to be a sound, loving home) the child was legally removed from them by the biological father. In as yucky a custody battle as the adoption world has seen in some time, the child stayed with the father for a year as lawyers played ping-pong with her life.  The birth mother did not want the child removed from her adoptive family.

cherokee

Learn more about the Cherokee Nation in this book.

The birth father, Dusten Brown, won temporary custody solely because he is Cherokee Indian. He fought for his right to raise the child based on the Indian Child Welfare Act which says that American Indian children should not be adopted by non-Indian adoptive or foster parents.

This case ruffled my headdress for several reasons. First, I am 1/4 Cherokee on my birth father’s side. I did not discover this fact until I found my birth father when I was 30-years-old.  My birth father wanted nothing to do with my birth mother once he knew she was pregnant. In fact, he tried to convince her to have an abortion. So no matter what the law suggests, I would not have been better off with my Cherokee blood relatives simply because they were Indian.

The second thing about this case that makes me see red is the whole premise of the Indian Child Welfare Act.  The idea that a child is better off with its own race, creed, or  nationality is outdated and ridiculous in a country of mixed marriages, mixed race adoptions, and international adoption. The Indian Child Welfare Act claims that Indians should stay with Indians whenever possible.

I know that the Cherokee Nation lost everything when white men tricked, cheated, and stole it from them. A travesty on which we built a country.  I am also aware that poverty among Cherokees in 1978, when the Indian Welfare Act came to be, was astronomical.  Just as in most poverty-ridden communities, relinquishment of children was on the rise and Native Americans did not want to lose their heritage (children) to outsiders.

Sound familiar?  Every third-world country from which US citizens adopt, suffers the same stolen heritage. However, we allow and encourage these adoptions without restrictions of race, color or tribe.  American Indian children should have the same opportunities, rights and rules as other children adopted in the United States. Period.

UPDATE- Please take a look at the comments on this case. Seems the birth father was in the picture from the start and not from the age of one, as the news reports suggest.  So I agree that the father’s rights were violated. However, NOT due to his being Indian. See comments for more and thanks readers for setting me straight on the bigger picture.

What do you think? Look forward to your comments!
Blessings for forever homes free from bias, abuse and unwarranted separations,

Vicki-lynn

Admission: Another Hollywood Movie Misses Adoption Mark

As author of the novel ‘Waving Backwards’,  a family saga laced with romance, southern history, intrigue and an adoption search, I get it. I understand Hollywood’s need to include heart-tugging, teary adoption and reunion scenarios in movies. I’m also happy for the attention the big screen brings to our plight as members of the adoption triad.

What I fail to understand is why Hollywood buries adoption stories under so many layers of frivolity and false representations of what it is to be an adoptee or birth mother.  For Hollywood, adoption is a sweet little subplot thrown in without much research or attention to detail.
 

Case in point, I watched the movie ‘Admission’ last night, expecting a nice comedy about the trials and tribulations of a college admission professional at Princeton University. Tina Fey plays Portia, an admissions professional, romantic failure, and oh by the way— birth mother to a kid she gave up as a teenager.

In the movie, Fey encounters a teenage prodigy who may be her long-lost son while recruiting students for Princeton. Fey never considers that the kid could be her relinquished child. In fact, as far as we know, she has never wondered about any of the 17-year-old boys she’s interviewed for admission to Princeton. WHAT? Every birth mother I’ve encountered has spent a significant amount of tortured time examining the faces of  children who are the same age as the kid they relinquished.

In ‘Admission’ Fey’s character only starts thinking of the relinquished boy after costar Paul Rudd (who runs the alternative school where the prodigy is enrolled)  waves the kid’s birth certificate in her face.  Once she thinks the boy might be her son, Fey jumps through hoops to get him into Princeton, forsaking her career in the process.

I won’t ruin the ending, but let’s just say Fey’s character is left in the birth mom lurch. She ends up requesting additional information from a social worker, presumably at the the adoption agency where she placed her son. Bing, bam, boom… identifying information magically arrives in the mail within weeks. Just like reality. Right birth moms?

Overall, I liked the movie. It is light, cute and fast-moving. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that adoption will never be portrayed by Hollywood as the strings-attached, emotionally devastating, taxing and (in some cases of reunion) delightful life experience that it is.

Blessings for a true portrayal of adoption,
Vicki-lynn

Can Adoption Create Addicts? | The Fix

Take a minute to read this article from The Fix.  It is an eye-opening account of the link between adoption and addiction. Can Adoption Create Addicts? | The Fix.

http://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/addiction/genetics/

Photo courtesy of University of Utah

I have pondered this topic quite a bit.  In the book The Primal Wound author Nancy Newton Verrier suggests a link between adult adoptee behavior and our relinquishment.

Research presented in The Primal Wound also suggests that the lifelong effects of adoption on behavior are worse when a child is removed from its biological mother at birth. This is due to the pre-speech nature of the wound.  When a child experiences pain and cannot express it verbally, it becomes a deep-seated fissure in human personality.

I know a lot of adoptees who have experienced drug and food addictions, but is it cause and effect? Or is it merely coincidental? What do you think? Does adoption cause addiction? Please share your thoughts and experiences using the comment link below.

Blessings for a healing honest exchange,
Vicki-lynn

Bryan County News Article on Book Drive for Tornado Victims

As many of my loyal adoption find readers know, I started a book drive to restock the two elementary schools demolished by tornadoes in Moore, OK last month. The drive is now in full swing with 250 books in house and another 1700 promised! The book drive (and yours truly) was blessed with a full page  in today’s local newspaper.

Please share, ‘like’ the article on Facebook and donate one new or nearly new children’s (K-6) book. Mail to PO BOX 249, Richmond Hill, GA 31324

Bryan County News article on the drive
Writer collects books for tornado victims

If Vicki-lynn Brunskill knew one thing in the pit of her stomach, it was that she couldn’t waste one more day merely thinking about all the ways she could be helping those in need.
When a wave of tornados swept through Oklahoma last month and devastated a community of people just like herself, Brunskill couldn’t wait any longer. Before she could talk herself out of it, the Brooklyn, N.Y., native had thrown together a massive book drive for the desecrated elementary schools in Moore, Okla.
“I love children and I love books,” Brunskill said. “And what is a school without books? When I was in elementary school the library was my salvation — and these kids in Oklahoma need an escape.” Read the full story.

Also check out the interview at the link below. You’ll learn more than you ever wanted to know about your favorite adoption rights advocate.

BRYan County News-
Proust questionnaire: Vicki-lynn Brunskill

Writer Vicki-lynn Brunskill, whose work includes the novel, “Waving Backwards,” faces the questions this week.

Thanks for reading and blessings that we may place a book in every child’s hand! Vicki-lynn