Rants and Raves

AdoptionFind: Book Drive to Stock Tornado Ravaged OK School Libraries

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

For two nights, I tossed and turned trying to think of a way to help Moore, Oklahoma rebuild. For those of you who don’t know- two of the city’s elementary schools were destroyed by a powerful tornado on May 20th, 2013.

Donate a book for Moore OK Libraries

Mail one book for Moore, OK

As I do not have the means to help alone, I have started a children’s book drive called ‘Books to Build On- Moore, OK‘ and I need your help!

My plan is to gather books from around the country and get them to Moore once the elementary schools are rebuilt. Please do not send books directly to the city as they do not have a place to store them. Donated books will be stored at my home until the elementary schools are ready for them.  At that time, I will use a donated rental truck to transport the books to Oklahoma. Any overflow will either be distributed in the Moore, OK community or brought to other schools in need.

I contacted the Moore Schools Superintendent for ideas on how many books and the types of books the elementary schools will need. I will share these details as they become available.

AdoptionFind community, please help to rebuild Moore, Oklahoma’s elementary school libraries. I anticipate that ‘Books to Build On’ will be a 3-month drive. Help to rebuild the hope, lives and learning opportunities for the tornado ravaged community. Please send a new or gently used book that is appropriate for Kindergarten through sixth grade (K-6) level readers to:

Books to Build On
c/o V.L. Brunskill
PO Box 249
Richmond Hill, Georgia 31324
USA

Please share, tweet and re-blog.
Blessings for making a difference one book at a time,
Vicki-lynn

Closed Adoption System: 50+ Years of Stolen Biological Rights and Broken Identities

/ V.L. Brunskill / 7 Comments

The closed adoption system in America is broken, and has been for more than fifty years.  Just look to Facebook for proof of the lifelong wounds inflicted by the closed adoption system. Everyday, hundreds of desperate adoptees post photos embellished with birth dates and non-identifying information in hopes of finding family.

The closed adoption system steals identities and often results in lifelong personality issues.  Even after reunion, many adoptees report a sense of not feeling bonded or belonging 100% to their biological or adoptive families.  We adoptees live in a limbo that tests the concepts of nature vs. nurture and like a science experiment gone horribly wrong, many of us can only guess at the biological tendencies that define us.

Having experienced the all-encompassing sense of loss that adoption brings, and knowing that my birth mother suffered the same emotional trauma, I have been thinking about the origins of closed adoption.  Who first decided that it was ok to take a child from one woman, charge a fee, and hand it over to another family to raise? Who decided that stealing and sealing away the medical and birth records of adoptees was a just legal procedure?

Adoption in America started informally in the mid 1800’s, as a way to place orphaned children. According to InfoPlease.com, “In 1851, Massachusetts passed the nation’s first adoption statute. It required that judges determine if adoptive parents had consent from the adoptee’s guardian or parent, “sufficient ability to bring up the child,” and that it was “fit and proper that such adoption should take effect.”

Two years later, Charles Loring Brace founded the Children’s Aid Society of New York in 1853. The Children’s Aid Society was meant to serve orphans, and created the Orphan train phenomenon. InfoPlease writes, “Between 1859 and 1929 some 200,000 orphaned children were transported from coastal cities to rural areas in the Midwest.”orphan train

After World War I, modern day adoption methods started to take shape. The choice to close off the records of adopted children was not a result of too many unwanted babies. It was a decision born of married couples wanting babies with no strings attached.  Adoption and social agencies supplied well-off couples with children and promised that biological families would not contact them.  Agencies claimed that closed adoptions would protect children against the social stigma of being illegitimate, and help them to bond.

Those of us who have searched or are currently searching know that the real stigma of closed adoption is being citizen with less inalienable rights than American’s who were raised by their biological families.  The idea that sealing away records would help a child to bond is the most laughable aspect of the closed adoption model.  Books like ‘Primal Wound‘ and ‘Being Adopted‘ chronicle the lifelong search for self, and the biological need to imprint that is inherent in all animals.

In the 1970’s, Roe vs. Wade and a change of social attitudes allowed for some open adoptions, but by then an entire generation of adoptees had been damaged. Many states are now considering laws that will allow adoptees to obtain their original birth certificates (OBCs), but for some the awakening of America will come to late.  How many biological mother’s went to their graves without ever once looking at their child? How many adoptees have searched in vain for information sealed away in their best interest?

It is sickening that in a country that prides itself on freedom of religion, protection of civil rights and freedom of speech, adoptees are still denied the right to know. Slavery was a broken system based on inequality, oppression and denial of basic human rights. It was abolished and slaves were freed.

When will adoptees be freed?
Blessings for equal access,
Vicki-lynn

Video Friday: The International Tragedy of Forced Adoption

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

It’s adoption video Friday. This week’s selections are personal stories of forced adoptions in Australia, Canada and the UK.

As many of you know, Australia apologized for the common practice of forced adoption last year.  However, Australia’s government was not the only country involved in the criminal practice of stealing children.  As Dan Rather reported in the 2012 report Adopted or Abducted, the practice of forced adoption was an international epidemic from roughly the 1950’s to 2000.

These stories are tough to watch, but every victim deserves to be heard.

Australia

Canada

UK

Let us never forget or repeat the shameful, painful and criminal act of coerced adoption.  The cost to humankind is beyond words.

Blessings and justice for all mothers and children,
Vicki-lynn

Sibling Day 2013: Adoptees should Recast Reunion Fantasy to include Extras

/ V.L. Brunskill / 7 Comments

On July 1, 1991, I wore a new path in the already threadbare carpet of my third-story apartment. I was pacing and waiting for a return call from my birth mother. What will I say? What will she say? How will I breath? These were the questions that raced through my mind.  I was readying myself for the first shared words with the woman who bore me.

courosa/Flickr.com

courosa/Flickr.com

After she confirmed my identity (by having me tell her my birth name) there were no words for at least five minutes. Instead of talking, we cried together. We cried for the loss of so many years, with the relief of finally knowing and for the future we might share.  I was ready to move forward with her — alone. I was not mentally prepared for the cast of extras that are part of every reunion package.  Especially the ‘kept’ siblings.

Being raised with one brother, also adopted (born 3/13/68 in NYC in case you are trying to find him) I experienced a sibling closeness built upon bricks of survival. I was my brother’s protector growing up, standing often between his face and our adoptive father’s fist. We survived, grew up as the first generation of latch key kids, and are both fiercely independent with decent jobs and families of our own.  Siblings raised in abusive homes share the same bond as soldiers fighting side-by-side. Their survival depends on a near physic connection. The added psychology of adoption loss made us even closer.

When I found my birth mother and learned that I had two half siblings, I was surprised. I had never thought about the fact that she could have given birth to children after me, and kept them. My reunion fantasies were all about her. I was searching for a lone wolf, not a pack. After reunion, the reality of siblings was fraught with extra emotional baggage. To accept them was to accept that they were somehow more important, more deserving than I was. After all, they were kept.

My half-siblings never knew about me, and my birth mother chose to continue keeping me secret until after we met face-to-face. This meant that I would call to talk to her, and end up chatting with my adult siblings (who both still lived with her). They believed I was one of my birth mother’s co-workers.  It was awkward, but deep down I liked being unknown to them.  I wanted my birth mother all to myself, even if it was just for just a little while.

To introduce myself to them, I made a video, which my birth mother played for the siblings when she returned to Florida from our reunion in Massachusetts. She opened a bottle of champagne, announcing that she had some news. My half-sister said, ‘What are you pregnant Mom?” Little did she know.

After the sister secret was revealed, I learned about their lives and had a hard time adjusting to the truth. While I was given away because my birth mother wanted me “to have a better life” than she could afford, my half-siblings were raised with ample opportunity, stability and wealth in their formative years.

After my relinquishment in the early 1960’s, my birth mother became a successful banking executive.  While my adoptive parents divorced when I was 11-years old and we experienced hotel homelessness at a shelter for battered women and children, my half-sister had a fur coat, a diamond nameplate necklace and a trip to London, all before she reached age 17.  The irony of being the one who was supposed to be ‘better off’ was not lost on me. Neither was the jealousy.

Sibling jealousy is rarely discussed in terms of adoption reunion, but it was one of the toughest aspects of reunion adjustment for me. It still is.

I found my birth father five years after I was reunited with my birth mother and the sibling situation there was even worse.  My birth father’s two sons were told about me and decided that I was the unacceptable result of their father’s whorish behavior. I have not met them to this day, and do not expect them to ever be a part of my life.

I am writing this on ‘Sibling Day” (who knew there was such a thing) to remind adoptees in search, that beyond the leading lady in your reunion story, there will be extras. There will be probably be ‘kept’ siblings.  It is crucial that you recast the reunion reel that plays in your head to include them now, before the reunion. Doing so may ease the adjustment of finding more than your birth mother.

Remember- “Searching is difficult. Finding is life-altering.”

Blessing for successful sibling relationships,
Vicki-lynn

Why the Unknown will Never be Enough for Adoptees

/ V.L. Brunskill / 2 Comments

When my plane touched down in Newfoundland, Canada in 1991, I was welcomed by a hundred people from the tiny fishing village where my birth mother was raised. Hundreds of eyes stared when I reached the stairway leading to the airport exit. Hand in hand with my birth mother, I looked over their recognizable faces. So many of their features were familiar, yet we were strangers. They were fascinated, awestruck and shocked at the family resemblance.  I was a lost member of the tribe, home at last.

To finally touch the ground of your ancestors is healing. To stand before the graves of your great grandparents completes the circle of life. To learn fly fishing from your grandfather whose prominent nose you inherited, and look into the laughing brown eyes of your grandmother is a priceless joy.

My blood heritage turned a transparent, haphazardly sketched self-portrait into a bold, permanent masterpiece.

This morning, I read a piece by blogger Deanna Doss Shrodes. Adoptee Restoration: Adoptees: Why Can’t You Just Be Okay With the Unknown?.
In this heartfelt post, Deanna talks about answering yearly medical questions when you are an adoptee.  In discussing the  frustration of not knowing your medical background, Deana writes, “You don’t know what it’s like to not have something until you’ve been without it. My friend Laura Dennis says it’s like trying to explain what it’s like to starve to a person who has always had food. ”

That statement reminded me of my first visit to Newfoundland and of standing on the foundation of the first house my ancestors built on the rock. The house was taken long ago by the harsh winhomed and salt air of the bluff. I stood at the center of the rough stone foundation, built by a relative from Wales who’d braved an Atlantic crossing as cabin boy. The stones were barely visible beneath the dirt, yet it was mine to know.  I am home. I am found, I thought, sending thanks to a universe that allowed me to find the physical  foundation of my identity.

Months after that trip, I traveled to a different part of Canada to meet more family and attend a wedding. At that wedding I shared with a cousin, the experience of standing on the foundation. I believed that since he was raised by the family and spent many summers in the seaside community, he would have stood amid the blueberry bushes and experienced the overwhelming power of our shared history and belonging.  The history was his to know during all the years I’d yearned to find it. Our foundation was within a few short steps for the non-adopted cousin.

To my surprise, he did not know about the house or the man who built it.  He had been wrapped in a lifetime of knowing and took for granted the history that gave him life.

A heritage that is open and available is easy to ignore.

The non-adopted often ask why we search? Why we need to know?  As Deanna Doss Shrodes blogged, explaining is ” like trying to explain what it’s like to starve to a person who has always had food.”

Blessings for enough information,

Vicki-lynn

Washington State Bill to Protect Adoptees from Abuse: Why Not Enforce Current Law for ALL?

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

While well intentioned, a new bill introduced in Washington state has me wondering about the way America measures the worth of its children.  The bill, sponsored by Democratic state Rep. Mary Helen Roberts, is aimed at protecting adopted children from abuse and neglect.

I believe that adoptive parents should be held to a high standard of behavior because they are given the monumental responsibility of caring for a child who has already faced tremendous loss. However, it doesn’t make sense to single out adoptive parents with a new child abuse law.  Instead,  laws that are already in place need enforcement.

I’m pretty  sure that Rep. Roberts would agree that:

Every child, no matter its race, country of origin or parental connection should be guaranteed a safe home in America.

A recent Washington Herald article, states that the proposed bill would “require prospective parents to disclose their planned approach to discipline and punishment.”

Totally Sever/Flickr.com

Totally Sever/Flickr.com

This is a lovely notion, and in a land of lollypops and rainbows every prospective parent would be honest about their intentions.  I can just hear them at a home visit saying, “Well Miss Social Worker, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna beat the crap out of the kid everyday, lock them in the closet when they get on my nerves, and starve them occasionally for a hoot.”

Let me say from personal experience, that several home visits and screening did not stop my adoptive parents from adopting two infant children, and that my adoptive father had a track record of domestic abuse under his big, bad belt at the time.

Some will defend that at least Roberts is doing something, and I agree. Her Bill is bringing attention to the tragic stories presented in the  September 2012 “Severe Abuse of Adopted Children Committee Report.”  This State of Washington report details the abuse of 15 adopted children, two of whom died at the hands of their adoptive parents. Plus, her adoptee protection bill calls for several screening practices including; the assessment and training of prospective parents, and the establishment of adoption support services.

The problem with the proposed law is that it will no more stop adoptees from being abused, than current child endangerment laws prevent biological parents from neglecting, maiming  and killing innocent children everyday.

I was particularly offended by a quote in a Capitol Record article  in which David Gusterson of Adoptive Parents of Ethiopian Community says, “We have a duty as a society to be doing a much better job, in particular when we’re bringing in children from other countries. We drag children in from other countries and they end up locked in closets, abused, starved or dead.”

Does this mean that a child adopted into America from a far off land, rather than being pushed out on American soil, is more valuable and deserving of protection?

I don’t think so. How about you?

Learn more and contact Rep. Mary Helen Roberts.

Blessings for violence free homes for all,

Vicki-lynn

Hartford Courant Letter: Connecticut Adoptees Rights Bill SB 59 Not Revolutionary

/ V.L. Brunskill / 4 Comments

In a February 25, 2013 letter published in the Hartford Courant, Paul Schibbelhute, a legislative adviser to Access Connecticut, an advocacy group for adult adoptees, questions proposed Connecticut Senate Bill SB 59.

Schibbelhute writes that the bill, “presently in Public Health Committee is an opportunity for Connecticut to join New Hampshire, Maine and Rhode Island as states that have restored the “human right” for all adult adoptees born in these states to obtain their original birth certificates (OBC).”

According to Schibbelhute’s letter, the bill would “deny all adoptees born before June 1, 2014, (the proposed effective date of the bill) the right to obtain their OBCs.” There is nothing equal or human about the bill as written. It will do nothing for the thousands of adult adoptees now seeking their OBC’s.

Tiff_ku1/Flickr.com

Tiff_ku1/Flickr.com

As I see it, it is a band-aid, meant to shut up the whining masses of adoptees who have the gall to request a document that every non-adopted American has access to. Bill SB 59 is a lame attempt by Connecticut officials to address the issue of equal access without rocking the moral boat of the scaredy cats who believe more in the privacy rights of birth mothers, than in the human rights of adoptees.

Senate Bill SB 59 as presented, blows a lot of smoke, but fails to flame any real change in the Connecticut movement for equal access to OBCs.  

If you believe that Connecticut adoptees deserve equal access to their Original Birth Certificates (OBCs) – get involved today. Contact information for the grass roots group Access Connecticut is available on its contact page.

You can read about the Bill and track its progress here.

Blessings for equal access laws that make a  real difference!

Vicki-lynn

Use Search Passion to Fight for Adoption Rights & Equal Access- Here’s How

/ V.L. Brunskill / 3 Comments

During my decade long search for common ground, my heart pulsed with anger and outrage over the indelicate, unfair and closeted treatment of hundreds of thousands of adult adoptees.  “In the best interest of the child,” was the mantra of adoption agency representatives. My reply, “Well that child no longer exists. I am an adult, and all  I want is what you have, a familiarity of face, place, nationality and genetics.”

I often felt alone, singled out and hopeless. However, searching is not odd, uncommon or unique. Just look at the Facebook page- You Know You’re An Adoptee When, and you will be amazed, and saddened by the number of people who are desperately looking for biological siblings, parents, and children. We are nation of missing people. In fact, stats posted at adoption.com indicate that:

  • 2-4% of all adoptees searched in 1990. (American Adoption Congress, 1996)
  • 500,000 adult adoptees were seeking or had found birth families in the late 80’s. (Groza and Rosenberg, 1998)

During my search, one of the things that helped me to persevere was the channeling of my passion to find, into a passion to change the world. Well, not the world, but at least NY state law.

BurgTender/Flickr.com

BurgTender/Flickr.com

If you are suffering the personal plaque of not knowing, it is time to reach beyond your search. As more of us express outrage over antiquated laws, and the lack of access to original birth certificates we grow more influential. The power of social media, and easy access to government officials via email, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn, has allowed adoption rights groups to make some headway to change adoption law.

A recent post on the Lost Daughter blog, explains how to channel your passion to know who you are, into action for change.  ‘How to Write to Your Legislator about Adoptee Rights’ explains how to find a Representative in your state, how to contact them, and what to include in yourcorrespondence. There is also a link to Bastard Nation‘s Influencing Legislation page, which includes sample letters.

Blessings for change, and fair treatment for all,
Vicki-lynn

Adoptees and Birth Parents: Take Action for Open Records

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

As adoptees or birth parents in search, the path is often frustrating, and there are times when you feel like there is nothing more to do.  Well, don’t be fooled, there’s plenty you can do- in terms of changing adoption records law.

Not for all! gulinvardare/Flickr.com

Not for all!
gulinvardare/Flickr.com

If you find yourself stuck in search limbo, sometimes it helps to walk away from the search for a bit. I did this with my own search, and the break helped me to look at my non-identifying information with new eyes, and ultimately find my birth family.

While you take a break from your personal search, why not take some time to help raise awareness, and lobby for open records legislation. In the process, you will meet other adoptees, and might even get a few new ideas to hasten reunion.

Several state groups are actively writing, and calling state legislators, to keep the issues that surround sealed records in the news, and on state dockets.

If you are interested in helping the cause of open records for all adult adoptees, below are some groups who want your assistance.  Each of these organizations offer email updates,  opportunities to lobby (in person and via email) for change, as well as guidelines for contacting state politicians, and much more.

NATIONAL

STATES (This is just a small sampling. Search on “Adoption Reform” or “Adoption Legislation” and your state name to find a local group.

If I missed a resource, or you want me to list a specific lobbying event or legislation from your state, send me an email at- vbrunskill at gmail.com.

Blessings for fair legislation in all states,
Vicki-lynn

Adoption Search Alert: Beware Email Phishing Scam

/ V.L. Brunskill / 3 Comments

“Commit a crime, and the earth is made of glass.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson

As some readers know, I am searching for my adoptive brother’s family. He was born March 13, 1968 in Manhattan. I have not been able to track them down yet. I have his information posted in many places on the Web. If anyone is ever looking, they will be able to find him.

As a result of these posts, I have received some scam emails, but this one peaked my interest. I pursued it, in order to expose the types of scams those in the adoption search process may experience.

Chris P Dunn/flickr.com

Chris P Dunn/flickr.com

EMAIL #1

Good-day,
 
 I am Jerry Garston and i saw your ads on the internet as regards to whom you are seeking and i would like to inform you that i have relevant information on the person whom you are seeking for information about if you are interested kindly get back to me via my email below:
 
Regards
Jerry Garston

The first clue that this is a scam, is the misspelled name. Notice that it is different in the body of the note, from the actual email address. I replied asking Mr. Garston, which ad he was referring to, and asked that he get back in touch with me, as I am very interested in facilitating a reunion. I did not mention who I was looking for. I did not include any additional details. I always reply to these emails, in case there is a real connection. Since I have no way of knowing the educational level, or country of origin for my brother’s birthfamily, I reply with as little information as possible.

EMAIL #2

Good-day Vicki-lynn,

First of all my name is Jerry Garstone ,one of the sole legal counsels
to late ( Nora Mathewson ) who bears the same name with the
person you are also seeking for . My client died in the year 2012, in
the UK, I was contacted by the Financial Institution where my client
held a monetary resource to contact the family members on my client”s
abandoned investment with them. Throughout my search, I was not able
to ascertain a genuine relative who shall be recipient of client”s
abandoned investment, hence contacting you.

Kindly send me an email so that i could give you more information’s.

Yours truly,

Jerry Garrstone , (PhD)

I replied to this with a simple- thanks, what’s next?

EMAIL #3

Good-day Vicki-lynn,

I am writing you this message in connection
with one of our client (Nora Mathewson ) who has the same Name
with the person you are seeking for. she passed away in 2012 .
she lived most of her years in England, but traveled often.

I am contacting you because after the death of our client, we were
informed by the finance company to search for any member of her
extended family “related, to put up a claim, or who could be so
represented as managers or trustees to her deposited funds with them
which stands at over £13,000,000.00 (Thirteen Million Pounds) as an
initial deposit. Due to the fact that she died with her immediate
family members, there was no will available to dispatch her estate.

After preliminary efforts of search which came to no avail, we were
given an ultimatum some weeks ago, to look for someone to come for the
claims or have the funds liquidated and made un-serviceable in
accordance with the existing laws, because it will be assumed that no
member of her extended family is alive.

However, it might interest you to know that after a thorough
investigation in the finance company, I found out that some members of
the company are currently planning to divert this funds in their
selfish interest and only want to use the excuse that since we are not
able to look for someone to make the claim, the money should be made
un -serviceable and that means reverting the funds to the Government
while the company retains a percentage of it.

After unraveling their plans and professional consideration on my
part, I decided to search for someone credible with similar last name
or someone who is closely related to her in any way to apply for this claim,
and finding that you would be related to my client since you are seeking for
information s about her, so i was urged to contact you.

Looking forward to hear from you soon.

Regards,
jerry Garstone

The email address address showed this as being from Jerry Garfield, so the name changed again.  I have now marked his email address as spam, and I am reporting them to the FBI. However, I am sure the criminal will change the email address and get in touch again.  Today, I was notified by a NY adoptees group, that one of their members was also targeted.

Please be careful when posting on the internet, and when replying to anyone claiming that they have information on your search. It is sad, that we have to be so wary, but the next step in this scam would have been to ask for financial information, and we all know where that would have led.

Blessings for a scam free search!
Vicki-lynn