adoption reunion

Holiday Wonder: Not so Wonderful for Adoptees in Search

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Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to each of you. This can be the hardest time of year for adoptees and birth parents in search. The holidays bring  families together and thus the missing member looms ever larger and heavier on wondering hearts.

Amstramgram/Flickr.com

Amstramgram/Flickr.com

My Christmas experience  this year was blessed with knowing where all of my family members are, what they look like, and how they fit into the wonderful, whacky identity that is me. However,  I recall with fervent clarity, the pain and aching wonder of not knowing who I was for 27 years.

Being born on Christmas Eve, meant that every Christmas brought forth images of what it must have been like for my birth mother to be in labor before the holiday, knowing that I would not be going home with her. I now know that it ruined Christmas for her from that day forward. My half-brother and sister, always wondered why she was so sad at Christmas, and only when I found her in 1992 did they finally understand.

If you are Christian, this season is all about the miracle birth of Jesus, and so your own miraculous entry into the world comes to mind. For more than two decades, I  wondered if anyone smiled when I was born. I wondered if my birth mother thought of me on my birthday. I wondered if the nurses at the hospital put me in a stocking because I was a Christmas baby (as I’d seen depicted on TV).

My holiday gift to you, is to simply tell you that – I get it. I acknowledge the hidden pain of not knowing. You are perfectly normal to wonder about the missing puzzle piece. Whether signed away or stolen, you have a right to feel empty, and cheated, especially during this family focused season. I am sorry for your loss, and hope with all my heart that 2013 will be a year of glorious reunion for you.

Miracles do happen, and so I will end with a story of holiday hope and adoption reunion from Ireland.

Family’s dream Christmas reunion becomes a reality | Irish Examiner.

Blessings for a peaceful heart and the calm that knowing brings,
Vicki-lynn

Register at TroysList.org: A Free Reunion Registry from ‘The Locator’

/ V.L. Brunskill / 4 Comments

“Half of the world is looking for the other half.” – Troy Dunn

Troy Dunn

Many of you are probably  familiar with the show ‘The Locator’ starring Troy Dunn. The show airs on WE tv, and facilitates marvelous reunions between lost loves, adoptees, and estranged family members.

With the help of Search Quest America, a trusted third party search provider for TroyTheLocator.com, the show and his site, have reunited thousands of people.  You can view a collection of ‘The Locator’ episodes here, and learn more about the show at the official show site.

‘The Locator’ is bombarded with requests, and since they cannot possible address them all, Troy has created a reunion board/database called Troys List.

While you must register to post on Troy’s List, the database is free, and searchable by location, and type of search.

The list is of special interest to adoptees and birth parents in search. However, it also includes posts for missing school mates, lost family, lost childhood friends, military buddies, old neighbors and more.

Troy’s describes the list  in his ‘about’ section as; “a free, mutual consent registry for those wanting to be reunited with a long lost loved one. It’s purpose is to provide a safe, no-cost environment for those in search.”

Dunn also cautions, “all those searching to guard your personal information closely, being very careful where you post it and how much information you share with strangers. While there are many people and organizations willing and able to assist you, there are also too many who will prey upon you. ”

Search Troy’s List today, and make sure you register. Your family could be just a click away!

Blessings for a speedy reunion,

Vicki-lynn

Susan Beckman: Organize your Adoption Search

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Susan Beckman, an adoptee who searched and found her birth family, pens a blog that is well worth a bookmark. Those in  search, will find some excellent insights on the process,  at Susan Beckman’s Blog.

An entry that caught my attention is Staying Organized & Sane when Searching. In this short blog, Susan presents eight tips for staying organized when you are searching. When I searched (pre- Internet), I had papers, files, and phone numbers stashed all over my home.  This often led to repetition of efforts, and wasted time.

For instance, when I discovered in my letter of non-identifying information, that my birth mother  attended secretarial school while pregnant with me, I ordered a NYC phone book, made a list of every secretarial school in NYC, and started calling them to see if they were in business at the time of my birth.

I later misplaced the list, and had to start from scratch. Wasteful!
My strategy during those calls (which might work for you) was to find out if  the school was in business when I was born.  If the answer was yes, I thanked them, and called again the next day.

During the second call, I would ask if the school had a alumni group that could help me find a friend of my mother’s. I had my birth surname,  which I found listed in the Birth Register books at the NY Public Library.  Access to these books is free and open to the public.

I used the name, “Richards” and explained that I was looking for a friend of my mother’s. I told whoever would listen, that I was planning a surprise party, and explained that my mother had always talked about a ‘Miss Richards’ who she attended secretarial school with.  I gave them the year of attendance, and asked for help.

You would be amazed how helpful the schools were! They often searched their records for a “Richards”, or gave me information to contact the alumni association. While, I did not find my birth mother through any school, the experience taught me how tugging at a few heart strings can garner assistance.  Sure, I fibbed, but I assure you I had my fingers crossed the entire time ;).

Susan Beckman’s blog on organization suggest that adoptees use a “Correspondence index” and looking at the piles of information I accumulated during my 12-year search, I highly recommend you use one.

Susan gives a brief example, but you can expand this using Excel or other spreadsheet software. The more organized you stay, the less time you will spend backtracking, and the sooner you will be in the coveted state of reunion!

Blessings for speedy reunion,

Vicki-lynn

Rhode Island Law Leads to Reunion

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Sharing a wonderful Rhode Island reunion story!
When states open records, miracles happen.
Here’s to more miracles!

Mother, son reunited after more than 40 years apart – WAFF-TV: News, Weather and Sports for Huntsville, AL.

In March,  I blogged about the Rhode Island law that allows for access to original birth certificates. This is an option for those over 25 years old.  To learn the process  for requesting RI adoption records – see the entry;
RI Adoptees over 25 Years Allowed Original Birth Certificates

Have a RI reunion story to share?
Please comment below or email me at vbrunskill@gmail.com

Blessings for your own reunion miracle,

Vicki-lynn

Hawaii Adoption Reunion Resources

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In response to a reader’s question, I have compiled a list of Hawaiian adoption reunion resources.

The good news for adoptees who were born in Hawaii, is that you can request your adoption records.  According to HawaiianRoots.com, ” new adoption notification law allows adults to learn of their birth parent unless the parents have indicated to the court that they do not wish to be contacted. ”

HawaiianRoots.com suggests the following contacts for requesting information. I recommend that you give them a call to confirm, as this information could change.

Oahu by mail: Adoption RecordsFamily Court, First Circuit CourtP.O. Box 3498Honolulu, HI 96811-3498
Oahu in person: 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. Mon-FriCourt Management Services BranchKaahumanu Hale, Second Floor777 Punchbowl StreetHonolulu, HI
Maui, Molokai, and Lanai: Adoption RecordsFamily Court, Second Circuit2145 Main Street, Suite 226Wailuku, Maui 96793
Big Island: Adoption RecordsFamily Court, Third Circuit345 Kekuanaoa Street, Room 40Hilo, Hawaii 96720
Kauai: Adoption RecordsFamily Court, Fifth Circuit3059 Umi StreetLihue, Kauai 96766

They also offer a clue for adult adoptees looking for natural parents: “Birth certificates are altered to reflect the names of the adopted parents but newspaper vital record listings will show the names of birth parents.”  This means that searching the local newspaper archives could help you find your birth name.

Below is  the applicable adoption records law:

Mutual Access to Identifying Information
Citation: Rev. Stat. § 578-15

An adoptee who is age 18 or older may submit a written request to the family court for inspection of adoption records. Such records will be released unless the birth parents have filed a confidentiality affidavit. Such affidavits may be renewed every 10 years. The adoptee may submit an affidavit person consenting to the inspection of records by the birth parents

The form to request your information is offered in PDF format at the link below. It also gives addresses for mailing.
http://www.state.hi.us/jud/Oahu/Family/1F-P-767request.pdf

TIP: For those searching in any state,  use the link below to search for adoption records and reunion laws by state.
http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/index.cfm?event=stateStatutes.showSearchForm

In addition to formally requesting your records, Hawaiian adoptees should search and register for the reunion registries and forums below.

I cannot possibly find every resource out there, so if you know of other Hawaii resources, please comment on this post, or email me at vbrunskill@gmail.com.

Ke Akua(God) Ho’omaika’i(Bless) Oe(You)!
Vicki-lynn

Adoptees Beware: Religious Agencies Changed Birth Dates & Data

/ V.L. Brunskill / 6 Comments

Last week, I was mulling over the relinquishment of the main character in my novel ‘Waving Backwards.’ The feelings and difficulties of being an adoptee in search are easy for me to explore, since I found my birth family after a 12 year search. However, the  birth mother’s experience is somewhat of a mystery  to me.

As I considered the relinquishment scenes for my book, I was blessed to turn on the TV to find Dan Rather reporting about forced adoption in the 60’s & 70’s. His report titled “Adopted or Abducted” opened my eyes to the questionable practices employed by many adoption agencies during the adoption boom.

During the 60’s & 70’s, waves of families moved to suburban neighborhoods, becoming what we now know as the middle class. At that time, social standing and reputations were extremely important.

According to Rather’s report on AXS TV, the increased focus on social standing, coincided with a change of attitudes among young people about sex, dating, and experimentation. Therefore, the rate of unwed pregnancies rose.

Families eager to protect their daughter’s reputations (and their own) often sent these unwed teens away to have their babies. Maternity homes were popular, and many were run by Catholic organizations.

Rather’s report focuses on the experiences of birth mothers sent to live in maternity homes, and how they were forced to give away their babies. Birth mothers were often tricked or forced into signing relinquishment papers. Some were even told that their babies had died.

The part of the report that is most important to those of you in search is the revelation that agencies (like Catholic Charities) often changed the identifying information in adoption records. They did this, so that the birth mother would never be able to locate her child. They also changed the nationalities of children, to better match the nationalities of their adoptive families.  Thereby creating a perfect fit by falsehood.

If  you are searching for your birth family, this could be a crucial fact. If the agency that placed you changed your birth date, your internet searches could be omitting crucial information.  When you search online or register for reunion registries, I suggest using the year and state of your birth, in addition to the city and date of birth that appears on your amended birth certificate. Someone could be looking for you with information that is different than the info you have.

Troy Dunn, AKA The Locator, who was interviewed for the report, has heard from thousands of birth mothers who were forced to give up babies. He has also found birth date changes to be  commonplace. (Sickening, I know.) Dunn cited Catholic Charities as one of the biggest culprits. Therefore, if you were placed by Catholic Charities, I would question every bit of information provided in a letter of non-identifying information.

I highly recommend that birth mothers and adoptees view the show. Birth mothers may find some solace in knowing that they are not the only ones who had their babies stolen, and adoptees may find a new perspective on the horrible process, and what it means to their searches.

Blessings,
Vickilynn

Adoption Detective | Book

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Always happy to share a book that could be helpful in your search.
Happy hunting and blessings,
Vickilynn

Judith Land's avatarAdoption Detective: Memoir of an Adopted Child

“Adoption Detective is a story that is hard to forget—readers will want to keep a hanky close at hand. The plot is emotionally draining, engrossing throughout, and agonizing at times with great expectations followed by periods of both ecstasy and gut wrenching rejection. Nothing is fait accompli when it comes to affairs of the heart and on this account the book delivers.” —Jim and Penny Hassell, avid readers

 “The reader will hang on to every phase of the adoption search—this is a life story that deserves this book.” —Terrie Drake, librarian, Colorado Mountain College

This book is riveting—I literally could not put it down. Your story is solid and exceptional. I can’t say enough good things about this book.” —Sheila Mincer, speech-language pathologist, Mountain Board of Cooperative Educational Services.

“The writing style of the authors is precisely written  in an authentic voice that is uniquely fresh and bold…

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Mapping out Memories: Using Google Earth to Find Family

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According to a March 2012 report in Time Magazine, an Indian man named Saroo Brierley, who was adopted by Tasmanian parents, and lives in Australia, recently found his birthfamily using Google Earth.

Google Earth is a free application, that can be downloaded at Google.com/earth. The application allows users to take virtual tours anywhere in the world.  With amazing clarity, Google Earth lets you explore buildings, imagery, landscapes, waterways, etc.

Brierley left India at five-years-old, and had memories of begging on the streets with his brother. He also had some memory of landmarks that played a prominent role in his childhood. It was these tidbits of memory that had him zooming in and out on Google Earth for ten years, looking for a village that matched his age-washed memories.

He was successful. Brierley found the village, and his birthfamily. He was reunited with them in February of 2012. While Brierley says that communication is difficult, his reunion seems to be a happy one. According to the Time article, Brierley is even thinking of making his story into a movie.

While I cannot imagine that there are many instances where Google Earth is the best search tool on the Web. Brierley’s success does make a point about perseverance, and the crucial step of mapping out your memories.

If you have any memory of your birth family, no matter how vague, you need to write it down. Be as precise as possible with your list. List things as silly as “I had a pink teddy bear” and as identifying as “I heard a train go by everyday.”

By writing down your memories, and those of your family members, you may find clues that will help to narrow your search.  Interview your adoptive parents, and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins. Every memory is another pin on the map that will eventually lead to your birth family.

Adoptees Use DNA Testing to Find Relatives

/ V.L. Brunskill / 2 Comments

When I was searching for my birthfather, there were two possible culprits. My birthmother was a virgin when she arrived in the USA, and as naive as they come.  She met a nice man through a cousin, and he asked her to take a stroll on a NY beach.  During this walk, he raped her.

After her heart and trust was stolen, she decided that no man would ever take advantage of her again.  She had been attracted to an Army man, who wooed her endlessly, and after the horrible beach incident, she decided to pursue a relationship.

ynse/Flickr.com

So when she found out she was pregnant, she was not sure who my father was.  This left me with the difficult task of figuring it out. I found the date rapist first. He was actually a nice old guy, and swore that while he had dated my birthmother, there was no rape.  He had heard she was pregnant, and wondered if he might be a father.

When I found him, we had DNA testing done, and the negative result was heartbreaking, as he was truly tickled to have a newfound daughter.  We used the Fairfax Identity Lab.  I then went on to find my real birthfather, and he never wanted DNA testing. I knew he was the one, and therefore it was not necessary.

While DNA played a factor in my search, it was not the clue that opened the door to my identity. To find my birthmother and both father suspects,  took 13 years of pretty hard searching. Today, I am amazed at the level of identity and at the specific surnames that can be found through the process.

A New York Times article from January of this year, tells how adoptee Khrys Vaughan found her distant cousins using a DNA testing company, that not only provided her genetic countries of origin, but also gave her the names and email addresses of distant cousins.

The article suggests that testing can cost anywhere from $99 to more than $500.  Most of the companies I found are in the $300 range.  While I do not know anything about the reliability of these companies, the Times article mentions two testing companies; Family Tree DNA and 23andMe, claiming that “they  have databases that contain samples from 350,000 and 125,000 people.”  Those are pretty good odds for a match.

Note: Companies are competing for your DNA dollars. They do NOT share databases, so you might want to be tested by more than one.

My concern with these DNA companies is of course, accuracy. I had the same concerns back when I used DNA to confirm my birthfather’s identity.  However, I believe that the process has come a long way, and for those who have tried every other search avenue,, this could at least fill in the blanks as far as your real nationality.

Tread carefully, and ask around before coughing up the cash. I have added links to the two companies mentioned in the article. I may even give this a try in my effort to find my adoptive brother’s family. Of course, if I do, I will report my findings here.

Happy hunting and blessings,

Vicki-lynn

‘Daughters of Deceit’ Book to Present Story of UK Adoption Reunion

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Keep your eye out for a new book, that will chronicle adoptee (and Women’s Open Golf champion) Jenny Lee Smith’s reunion with her birth family in the UK.

Jami Dwyer/Flickr.com

After finding out (late in life) that her parents were not her biological parents,  Jenny sought, and found her birth mother.  Her birth mother died not long after the reunion.

Smith also discovered that she had a half-sister, Helen Edwards.  Helen knew nothing of her sister’s existence. The book, which is being considered by several publishers, was  co-authored by the sisters, and shares the secrets, turmoil and triumphs of their journey to reunion.

You can read more about the book and their story in this Chronicle Live UK article, and more about Helen Edwards & Jenny Lee Smith at their homepage.

Looking forward to this one!