adoption search

Are You a Missing Person?

/ V.L. Brunskill / Leave a comment

A 35-year-old adoptee named Steve Carter got the shock of his life, when he decided to search for information regarding his birth.

Adopted at the age of four, from a Hawaiian orphanage, Carter came across the story of an adoptee who discovered that she had been kidnapped, and was adopted illegally.  His intuition kicked in, and Carter decided to look around some missing kid sites.

Carter found the site, MissingKids.com, did a search or two, and found an age-progressed photo that was his spitting image.

Sadly, his birthmother is also missing, and seems to have been on the run with him as a baby. She was later put into a psychiatric ward, and eventually disappeared from the system.

You can read more about Carter’s story at The Blaze.com and at The New York Daily News.

The moral here is to trust your instinct.

I have often wondered about a couple in my neighborhood who adopted their white, newborn babies  lickety split.  The adoptive mother claims, “we got each of our kids in less than a month.” When I asked her if she thought this strange, she did not even flinch.  Bought? Kidnapped? Luck?

If you were placed with your adoptive family later in life, or have a feeling that something does not gel, go to the missing kids website and take a look.  You might save someone from a lifetime of unimaginable heartbreak.

Step-by-Step Adoptee Search Advice from About.com

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

While there is no full proof method for finding your birth family, About.com Guide Kimberly Powell has done a nice job of breaking down the initial steps for searching. In the article “Adoption Search -Steps for Locating Adoptees, Birth Parents, and Adoption Records“, Powell offers seven steps to take once you decide to search.

catlovers/Flickr.com

The suggested search steps include:

  1. Write down everything you know, or ever heard about your adoption, birth family, and nationality. Nothing is unimportant! Think of what your relatives have said about your adoption.
  2. Interview your adoptive parents for information. Again, write it all down. Even the tiniest detail may be important.
  3. Gather documents. The article suggests that you ask your birth parents, which is of course a tough step for many adoptees, as they choose not to include the adoptive parents in their search. The article also suggests that you obtain your original adoption decree, amended birth certificate, and petition for adoption. Some states will allow you access to these items (all allow the amended birth certificate). However, in some states the adoption decree can only be requested by the adoptive parents.
  4. Request non-identifying information. I have two posts on this that should be helpful.Letter for Adoptees To Use When Requesting Non-Identifying Information
    Adoptee Search Tip: How Non-Identifying Information Identifies
  5. Register in every reunion registryyou can find. Make sure to look for state registries.  Another AdoptionFind post offers more on these registries and how to find them.Searching Reunion & Mutual Consent Registries
  6. Join a support group. The information shared in these groups, mailing lists and forums is abundant and worthy of your time.
  7. The final suggestion in About.com’s article is to think about using a Certified Intermediary (CI).  The only problem with this is that not all states offer this search assistance. Google on your state to see if they do.

Be sure to read the full article at Adopt.com, as it offers many links to additional information on Search Angels, the I.S.S.R national registry, and to a people search guide.  Although, none of these steps guarantees that you will find your birth parents names (as suggested at the start of the article), the information gathered with these steps may lead to your ultimately finding your family.

Personal note: I did not know my birth mother’s name until after I found my biological Uncle. He told me her name, so that it was not her full name that was crucial. It was my birth surname that aided in the search.

I found my birth name in the NYC Birth Register books. These are housed at the NY Public Library.  Check your city library to see if they have similar books, which break down births by date, and in my case, city Burroughs.  You can then look for the correct gender, and know that one of those kids is you! 

Your surname is the holy grail!

Letter for Adoptees To Use When Requesting Non-Identifying Information

/ V.L. Brunskill / Leave a comment

feverblue/Flickr.com

Recent contact with a reader, who just decided to search, reminded me of the overwhelming confusion that even the terminology of adoption searches can bring.  Who else in the world, but an adoptee, would ever use the term  ‘non-identifying information’?

For adoptees, it is the only information that most states allow us to obtain from our sealed records.  Once you know the agency/lawyer that placed you, you should e-mail and snail mail, the letter below as soon as possible.

Be sure to include your mailing address and full contact information in the letter and email.

Warning: there may be a charge for this service.

As I posted recently, your non-identifying information will be more identifying than you think. Feel free to copy and paste this example.
———————————————————————————————

Hello:

My name is (NAME). I was born on ( DOB) in (CITY), (STATE). I was adopted at birth by (adopted parent’s names). My adoption was was handled by your agency/organization. I would like to request all non-identifying information related to my adoption, as mandated by state law.

In addition to the non-identifying information, please send me copies of all original documents with identifying info whited out, plus any photos of me from before my adoption.

Please include the following in the non-identifying information:

  • The age of my parents at the time of my birth
  • My given name at time of birth
  • My mothers weight, height, hair color, eye color, general appearance
  • Any educational information, certificates, degrees held
  • Any religious background or affiliations
  • My birthparents ethnic origins (Irish/Italian etc.)
  • The number of sisters/brothers my birthmother had at the time of my birth, plus their ages/occupations.
  • Any information on my birthparents upbringing, including places of birth, and where they resided at the time of my birth.
  • Information on chosen occupations, certifications, honors, military service
  • Any information on my birth grandparents ages/ethnic backgrounds/religion/occupations/education
  • All other non-identifying information including hobbies, talents, and interests

In addition, please examine my file to see if my biological mother and/or father placed there, a consent form granting permission to disclose identifying  information. Also please check for contact permission/consent forms. After, you reply, please place this request in my file to indicate my full permission for contact.

If the records of my adoption are no longer held by your organization, please inform me of where they are now stored.

Thank you.
————————————-END————————————————–


Adoption Not Magic: Babies Don’t Disappear, They Grow Up

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

I wrote this as a reply to a reader’s comment on my post titled “RI Adoptees over 25 Years Allowed Original Birth Certificates.”

A women named Lisa Marie posted a thoughtful comment that starts, “How sad for all those birth parents who chose adoption over abortion expecting to be able to have privacy. Since the 1970′s birth parents could have chosen an open adoption if they didn’t care about privacy. The majority didn’t.”

You can visit the post to view her comment, in it’s entirety.

summerandstephen/Flickr.com

My reply:

First of all thank you for sharing your opinions here. You make some good points. However, all of them assume that a birth parent’s rights are more important than those of the adoptee. Adoptees did not sign away their rights. Identity is a human right. I do not think that adoptees should come strolling into birthparents lives, without some other communication first, letters, phone calls, perhaps even an intermediary.  When I searched, I did not even tell my Uncle, who I found first, that I was his sister’s child.  I was careful, gentle, and protective. Her’s was not my secret to tell.

However, it is my human right to know that I inherited my nose from my grandfather, my love of writing from my grandmother, my outspokenness from my birthfather. It is my human right to know that “sugar” issues run in the family. It was my human right, and innate pleasure, to stand on the foundation of the first Richard’s house built in Newfoundland, Canada, which was built by my great, great, great, great grandfather. It is my human right to look into the eyes of the woman who bore me, and ask, ‘Why?”

Surely, no one who gives birth, and chooses to give away the child, for whatever reason, can believe that their rights are more important than those of the child they gave up.  The very least they can do, is to share photos, medical information, personal family history.

The very least they can do is complete the identity they started.

Not all adoptees search, and not all birthmothers cower in fear.  We are all unique beings, and adoptees deserve to know how they became the people that they are.

Adoption is not a magic. Babies do not disappear into a void, never to be heard from again. We are real living, breathing people who deserve the same history, and wholeness of being that every non-adoptee takes for granted.

March 13,1968 in New York City: A Baby Boy is Born

/ V.L. Brunskill / Leave a comment

Today is my adoptive brother’s birthday. He is a very special, caring man, who works hard, and adores his daughter.  He has a generous sense of humor, friends who love him, and a heart of gold.

lokate366/Flickr.com

He has been a blessing in my life, and I know, if only we could locate his birthfamily, he would be a blessing in theirs as well. I will not share his new name.

At birth, we believe he was named Peter Mathewson.
He was born in New York City on 3/13/68.

His birthmother was an art student, and of French lineage. His birthfather was Italian and possibly American Indian.  Someone in his birthmother’s family attended an Ivy league college. Her family was from New England.

That is what we know.  I have searched for his birthfamily on and off for years.
If you know anything about the birth of this beautiful little boy, who grew (despite a truckload of turmoil) into a brave, strong man, please email me: vbrunskill at gmail.com

We are not sure about the spelling of his last name, and of course the details revealed in his non-identifying information may be slightly off.

We only know that despite my search attempts, I have not been able to find them. He would like a photo, medical info, and a glimpse into the information that is his birth right.

Happy Birthday Baby Brother!

Search Tip: Find an Adoption Reunion Search Angel

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

Searching for your birthfamily is time-consuming and costly. However, there are volunteers out there that will assist you with the process. They are called Search Angels.  Usually, adoptees or birthparents themselves, these volunteers offer guidance that can shorten your search by years.

sun dazed/Flickr.com

This search tip offers links to find a Search Angel, and advice on how to proceed once you do.

1. Get organized. Have all of the information you’ve gathered about your adoption ready. I often get email requests that are vague. To help,   I need the adoptees gender, plus date and place of birth. Once I have this, I can recommend specific search actions.

2. Find an angel.  Often the best place to find a reliable, useful angel is in reunion forums.  Search for local adoption reunion forums for your state as well. Also see the links listed at the end of this post.

A few national forums include:

3. Ask the search angel for references, or search  forums like those at adoption.com. Sign up for a free account to post an inquiry.  There is a current post on the support forum about a scam angel named Alex Shan.  Search your angels name in these forums, and Google their name to see if there are complaints.

4. Never share your address, or social security number with a search angel.

5. Ask about expenses. Angels are supposed to be free, but some ask to be reimbursed for travel.

6. Do not expect that a search angel will spend all of their time working on your search. Most offer advice, and tips for moving forward. Some will plug away at your search for years. Remember that a search angel is not a professional, they are volunteering to help you.

The sites below will help you find a search angel.  Of course, you should Google by state as well, (example- ‘Florida Adoption Search Angels’) since many volunteers work only in the state where they reside, or where they have search experience.

If you know of other Search Angel directories, let me know and I will add them.

Adoptee Search Tip: How Non-Identifying Information Identifies

/ V.L. Brunskill / 2 Comments

Today, I want to explain the importance of obtaining a letter of non-identifying information from the agency that placed you. Of course, adoptees in search, must first figure out who handled their adoption. This could be  a lawyer, state agency, private agency, or religious organization.

GlasgowAmateur/Flickr.com

Do whatever it takes to find out which agency, lawyer, or placement provider handled your case. Ask every relative, dig through family files, the family bible, safe deposit boxes.  You might even consider volunteering to clean out your adoptive parents attic!

Once you know the agency that handled your transition, it is time to track down the current address, and contact information for that organization.  Once you have that, I recommend starting with a phone call, to ask about their policy for giving adoptees access to their  “non-identifying” information.

In most cases, agencies will provide you with a letter that includes some information on your birthfamily.  Often, you will have to make the request in writing, and there could be a fee.

You may wonder why you’d want a letter than lacks identifying information. Well, considering that you are starting at zero, this letter is a great starting point. You have no clue what your birthmother was interested in, if she was in school, what her job was, where she lived or whether or not your birth grandparents were aware of your birth.  All of this, and more is often included in a letter of non-identifying information.

When I was searching, I received my letter from the Children’s Aid Society in New York City.  My letter included the number of siblings my birthmother had, as well as the occupations of my uncles at the time of my birth.  It also revealed that she was from a “small town in Canada” and that her “father worked in a hardware/grocery store”.

Additional information revealed that my birthmother was a shy, timid girl, with blonde hair and brown eyes, and that she had no way to care for me, and gave me up so that I would have a “good family”.

While the information may seem vague, the clue that led me to my birthfamily was in that bare-bones information.  Also, tucked in my letter, was the only photo I have of me as a young infant. On the back of that photo, was a surname, one that I had heard all of my life.  My adoptive parents were told my birthname was Richards.  The photo confirmed this (as did a trip to the Birth Register books  at the NY Public Library).

I reread my letter a thousand times (0ver a 7 year period), checking and rechecking for clues, and just when I thought it was useless, my search angel asked me to read it again. I read it aloud to her, and she stopped me at the part that read, “One of your mother’s brothers was a wireless operator.”

My search angel asked me, “What’s a wireless operator?” I did not know, and she suggested that I contact the Federal Communications Commission (FCC)  in Washington, DC.  A very nice man at the FCC explained that a wireless operator in Canada would have required a license, and that I should contact the Canadian Communications Commission.

I called the CCC once, and hung up when a woman answered in French.  Later, I wrote a letter explaining that I had a medical issue, and that I was looking for a Richards male who was a wireless operator in eastern Canada during the year that I was born. I picked eastern Canada because I was born in New York.

I received a written reply in June of 1991.   There were only three Richards men who had wireless operator licenses the year I was born.  The man who wrote the reply, happened to know one of the Richards men. He wrote that  M. Richards still worked for the government, and provided me with his telephone number. M. Richards turned out to be my Uncle.

Every non-identifying letter is different. Some are  detailed, some vague, and some arrive with  secrets revealed, and even surprise photos.  There are social workers, lawyers and judges who recognize the significance of knowing your genetic history, and some will beef up non-identifying info with clues.

Get the request in as soon as possible, and make sure you check with the agency  for procedures.  Once you get your letter, look at occupations (especially those that require a license) and at schools.  Was your birthmother at an art school, nursing school, secretarial school?  How many siblings did she have? These are all revealing clues, that can narrow your search.

Of course, if you get your non-identifying information, and have no idea where to start, I am happy to give you a little advice. Feel free to email me at vbrunskill at gmail.com.

Happy hunting!

All rights reserved: Copyright 2012 Vickilynn Brunskill

Book Notes: “ITHAKA” Reveals Importance of Adoption Search Process

/ V.L. Brunskill / Leave a comment

I often tell adoptees that searching is as crucial a part of the wholeness process, as finding, and that they should keep it as hands-on as possible. The many stages of revelation during my own search, allowed me to grow and change along with information, as it was revealed.  Instead of a sudden reunion, my mind was readied (as much as it could be) for the reality of a second family. I was in charge of the unveiling process.

Last night, I finished reading the book, ‘ITHAKA’ by Sarah Saffian. Subtitled, “A Daughter’s Memoir of Being Found”, the book offers a unique perspective into what happens when the search is not controlled by the adoptee, and is instead a search FOR the adoptee by the birthparent.

I know many of you are thinking that this scenario is a dream come true. Well, it can be, but as revealed in this poignant non-fiction work, it can also be a life-altering shock.

In the book,  Saffian recalls the phone call that changed her life forever. Sarah’s birthparents were re-united after her relinquishment, and married. They searched for Sarah, found her, and called her.

Saffian discusses how she undertook some mock search steps after the call, to better understand what it would have been like if she had been the one searching.  A successful New York woman, with a solid adoptive family, she clearly enjoyed control over her destiny, until her birthparents called.

Writing letters to her birthparents for years before being reunited, she undertook a process of adjustment, not unlike that of an adoptee in search.  She needed those letters and time to reprogram her reality.  Saffian does a wonderful job of exploring the plethora of emotions, and adjustments required to accept a dual identity. I applaud her honesty, and highly recommend this book for all adoptees  and birthparents.

Life in Limbo: Encouragement for those in Search

/ V.L. Brunskill / 2 Comments

WilsonB/Flickr.com

“In all of us there is a hunger, marrow-deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are —and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning, there is the most disquieting — loneliness.”- Alex Haley – Roots

I share this quote today to encourage adoptees in search, and to remind everyone of the normalcy of the need to know.  You are the product of past generations, and deserve to know everything that went into the making of you.

As I work on my book, I often reflect on the past with disappointment. My formative  writing years and the idea of a writing career, started after I was reunited with my birth family. Before that reunion, my focus was clouded by a sense of incompleteness.  I was a stranger to everyone, even myself,  a blank slate,  looking, clinging and begging for a genetic map to guide me.

There is a sense of mourning that comes with wondering who I might have been by now, how many books I might have published, if only I was whole enough to begin writing novels earlier in life.

Many adoptees feel as if their lives are stalled,  in limbo, until they search. The search, even when unsuccessful is a vehicle to freedom. Finding is a miraculous rebirth, where two become one. Suddenly, the infant with one set of parents, is an identifiable part of the adoptee whose surroundings are a foreign landscape to which they have adapted.

Of course, much of the content in my book ‘Waving Backwards’ could not exist without the experience of searching seven years for my birthmother and another five for my birthfather.  The need to know was overwhelming and all encompassing, and those feelings deserved to be explored and shared.  So the very thing that held me back from finding my life’s passion, is also the thing that enables my first novel to exist.

Many adoptees are labeled angry or insensitive for demanding open records. If only we thought of their searches as essential to ignite the meaningful endeavors of their lives, perhaps we would not judge as harshly.

Searching Reunion & Mutual Consent Registries

/ V.L. Brunskill / Leave a comment

Adoptees, whether you know your birth surname or not, get thee to the Internet!  With an upsurge in adoption reunion registries, more and more birth parents are posting.  This means, that the person you seek, may  already be looking for you!

After you search each of the registries, post your information on as many sites as possible.  The more places you post, the more likely you are to be found.  In every post, include your date of birth, gender, city of birth and for surname use “UNKNOWN.”

An example posting would be:

Baby Boy born 3/13/1968, 03/13/68, March 13, 1968 at New York Hospital in Manhattan, NY searching for birth family. Contact Vicki at xxx@yahoo.com

Notice, that I list the date of birth in three formats (X/XX/XXXX, XX/XX/XX and Month, Day, Year) so that it will appear in all search formats.

Use a contact email that is not temporary and keep a list of the places (and passwords) for your posts so you can update contact information as needed.  The Internet is a powerful tool.  I have used forums, reunion registries and ZabaSearch.com to facilitate several easy reunions.

In addition to private registries, many states have state run registries.  Often called ‘Mutual Consent Registries’  these registries often charge a fee. Most state registries will inform you if the information you enter (online or through a printed form) matches the information of any birth family member that is registered.

Some states also have programs similar to reunion registries called ‘Confidential intermediary (CI) programs’.  An intermediary is someone who acts on behalf of adoption triad members (adoptee, birth parents, or adoptive parents). These individuals are authorized by law to help with a search and contact other members of the birthfamily. He or she can access sealed adoption records to conduct a search. These programs protect records and those who do not want to be reunited. Therefore, consent must be obtained from both parties in order to release information and facilitate a reunion.

Available State reunion registries and intermediary programs available as of this writing include:

* Arizona: http://www.azadoptionlocator.com/111510CIDirectory.pdf

* Arkansas: (PDF form) https://dhs.arkansas.gov/dcfs/heartgallery/CFS_434_Jan_15_03.pdf

* California: http://www.dss.cahwnet.gov/cfsweb/PG1314.htm

* Colorado: http://www.cdphe.state.co.us/certs/aboutadoptionregistry.html   

* Florida: http://www.adoptflorida.com/Reunion-Registry.htm

* Georgia: http://www.ga-adoptionreunion.com/

* Illinois: http://www.idph.state.il.us/vitalrecords/adoptioninfo.htm

* Indiana: http://www.in.gov/isdh/20371.htm

* Iowa: http://www.dhs.state.ia.us/Consumers/Child_Welfare/Adoption/AdoptionRecords.html

* Louisiana: http://www.dss.louisiana.gov/index.cfm?md=pagebuilder&tmp=home&pid=116

* Maine: PDF application http://www.maine.gov/dhhs/boh/phs/odrvs/vital-records/documents/adoption-reunion-registry-application.pdf

* Maryland: http://www.dhr.maryland.gov/ssa/adoption/mutual.php

* Michigan: http://www.michigansearching.com/MCAD.htm

* Nevada: http://www.dcfs.state.nv.us/dcfs_guide_reunionregistry.htm

* New Jersey: http://www.state.nj.us/njfosteradopt/adoption/registry/

* New York: http://www.health.state.ny.us/vital_records/adoption.htm

* Ohio: http://www.odh.ohio.gov/vitalstatistics/legalinfo/adoptreg.aspx

* Oklahoma: http://www.okdhs.org/programsandservices/postadopt/docs/adoptreg.htm

* Oregon: http://www.oregon.gov/DHS/children/adoption/adopt_registry/registry.shtml

* Pennsylvania:

* Rhode Island: http://www.courts.ri.gov/family/adoptreg.htm

* South Carolina: http://www.southcarolinaadoptions.com/RegistryForm1.html

* South Dakota: http://dss.sd.gov/adoption/adoptionregistry/

* Texas: http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/vs/reqproc/adoptionregistry.shtm

* Utah: http://health.utah.gov/vitalrecords/pictures/forms/adopt.pdf

* Vermont: http://dcf.vermont.gov/fsd/vermont_adoption_registry

* West Virginia: http://adoption.childhswv.org/AdoptLaw/al_confidentb.htm

* Wisconsin: http://www.icareregistry.com/

If your state is not listed, I was unable to find a state run registry.  However, many other reunion registries exist.

The largest national reunion registries include:

Warning- do not offer any additional personal information online. You have no choice but to include your birth date. However, you should be careful not to use an email address that is an identifier. For example an email with your first and last name.  You should only include your first name and might even consider creating a g-mail or yahoo account just for search correspondence.  Criminals would love to get a hold of your birthdate, place of birth and full name. Always be sure to keep your search posts to only basic information.

Get out there today! Search and search again for reunion registries in your state and sign up for every one you can find. If you find a broken link, or know of another useful registry, please comment on this post.

Copyright 2012- adoptionfind/Vicki-lynn Brunskill