searching for family

Use Search Passion to Fight for Adoption Rights & Equal Access- Here’s How

/ V.L. Brunskill / 3 Comments

During my decade long search for common ground, my heart pulsed with anger and outrage over the indelicate, unfair and closeted treatment of hundreds of thousands of adult adoptees.  “In the best interest of the child,” was the mantra of adoption agency representatives. My reply, “Well that child no longer exists. I am an adult, and all  I want is what you have, a familiarity of face, place, nationality and genetics.”

I often felt alone, singled out and hopeless. However, searching is not odd, uncommon or unique. Just look at the Facebook page- You Know You’re An Adoptee When, and you will be amazed, and saddened by the number of people who are desperately looking for biological siblings, parents, and children. We are nation of missing people. In fact, stats posted at adoption.com indicate that:

  • 2-4% of all adoptees searched in 1990. (American Adoption Congress, 1996)
  • 500,000 adult adoptees were seeking or had found birth families in the late 80’s. (Groza and Rosenberg, 1998)

During my search, one of the things that helped me to persevere was the channeling of my passion to find, into a passion to change the world. Well, not the world, but at least NY state law.

BurgTender/Flickr.com

BurgTender/Flickr.com

If you are suffering the personal plaque of not knowing, it is time to reach beyond your search. As more of us express outrage over antiquated laws, and the lack of access to original birth certificates we grow more influential. The power of social media, and easy access to government officials via email, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn, has allowed adoption rights groups to make some headway to change adoption law.

A recent post on the Lost Daughter blog, explains how to channel your passion to know who you are, into action for change.  ‘How to Write to Your Legislator about Adoptee Rights’ explains how to find a Representative in your state, how to contact them, and what to include in yourcorrespondence. There is also a link to Bastard Nation‘s Influencing Legislation page, which includes sample letters.

Blessings for change, and fair treatment for all,
Vicki-lynn

Adoptees Using Facebook Page ‘You Know You’re An Adoptee When’ for Search Success

/ V.L. Brunskill / 9 Comments

Trend alert for adoptees in search!

The Facebook community page “You Know You’re An Adoptee When….” has been posting text embellished photos of adoptees who are searching for their families. The adoption-reunion  focused page encourages readers to  ‘like and share’ the photos. Thus, creating an endless opportunity for the right person to find them.

The Facebook community page is dedicated to “being supportive of each other’s stage of their healing journey,”and it’s doing just that. The adoptee’s photos are circling the Web, and have resulted in a reported three (3) reunions thus far.

If you are searching, it can not hurt to try this avenue. Please do not list your address or full adoptive name, to avoid scammers.  Including your birth date, place of birth, and a fact or two should do the trick.

Below are some examples for reference. Each photo links back to the Facebook community post. So if you know them or can help, just click on the picture.

robsearch

find5 find4find2 What a wonderful effort to reunite birth families!

Blessings for a picture perfect reunion,
find6Vicki-lynnfind3

New York Times on Dark Side of Adoption Info on Internet

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In a recent article, “Internet Use in Adoptions Cuts 2 Ways” New York Times reporter Ron Nixon discusses a report by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a nonprofit organization working to change adoption policy in America. 3094227198_866aac21d5_z

The report (released today) is the culmination of a three-year research project by the Institute on how the Internet and social media have altered the adoption landscape.

Despite the group’s active support of open-records for all adult adoptees, the report presents much more than happy reunion stories. It also delves into the devilish character of on-line adoption agencies, and the fraud that is often perpetuated by them.  The report also discusses why access to online information is not always positive for underage adoptees, especially in cases where an abused child is found by a birth parent.

I look forward to reading the full report which is available here: http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2012_12_UntanglingtheWeb.pdf

Blessing for reunion,
Vicki-lynn

Susan Beckman: Organize your Adoption Search

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Susan Beckman, an adoptee who searched and found her birth family, pens a blog that is well worth a bookmark. Those in  search, will find some excellent insights on the process,  at Susan Beckman’s Blog.

An entry that caught my attention is Staying Organized & Sane when Searching. In this short blog, Susan presents eight tips for staying organized when you are searching. When I searched (pre- Internet), I had papers, files, and phone numbers stashed all over my home.  This often led to repetition of efforts, and wasted time.

For instance, when I discovered in my letter of non-identifying information, that my birth mother  attended secretarial school while pregnant with me, I ordered a NYC phone book, made a list of every secretarial school in NYC, and started calling them to see if they were in business at the time of my birth.

I later misplaced the list, and had to start from scratch. Wasteful!
My strategy during those calls (which might work for you) was to find out if  the school was in business when I was born.  If the answer was yes, I thanked them, and called again the next day.

During the second call, I would ask if the school had a alumni group that could help me find a friend of my mother’s. I had my birth surname,  which I found listed in the Birth Register books at the NY Public Library.  Access to these books is free and open to the public.

I used the name, “Richards” and explained that I was looking for a friend of my mother’s. I told whoever would listen, that I was planning a surprise party, and explained that my mother had always talked about a ‘Miss Richards’ who she attended secretarial school with.  I gave them the year of attendance, and asked for help.

You would be amazed how helpful the schools were! They often searched their records for a “Richards”, or gave me information to contact the alumni association. While, I did not find my birth mother through any school, the experience taught me how tugging at a few heart strings can garner assistance.  Sure, I fibbed, but I assure you I had my fingers crossed the entire time ;).

Susan Beckman’s blog on organization suggest that adoptees use a “Correspondence index” and looking at the piles of information I accumulated during my 12-year search, I highly recommend you use one.

Susan gives a brief example, but you can expand this using Excel or other spreadsheet software. The more organized you stay, the less time you will spend backtracking, and the sooner you will be in the coveted state of reunion!

Blessings for speedy reunion,

Vicki-lynn

Adoptees Beware: Religious Agencies Changed Birth Dates & Data

/ V.L. Brunskill / 6 Comments

Last week, I was mulling over the relinquishment of the main character in my novel ‘Waving Backwards.’ The feelings and difficulties of being an adoptee in search are easy for me to explore, since I found my birth family after a 12 year search. However, the  birth mother’s experience is somewhat of a mystery  to me.

As I considered the relinquishment scenes for my book, I was blessed to turn on the TV to find Dan Rather reporting about forced adoption in the 60’s & 70’s. His report titled “Adopted or Abducted” opened my eyes to the questionable practices employed by many adoption agencies during the adoption boom.

During the 60’s & 70’s, waves of families moved to suburban neighborhoods, becoming what we now know as the middle class. At that time, social standing and reputations were extremely important.

According to Rather’s report on AXS TV, the increased focus on social standing, coincided with a change of attitudes among young people about sex, dating, and experimentation. Therefore, the rate of unwed pregnancies rose.

Families eager to protect their daughter’s reputations (and their own) often sent these unwed teens away to have their babies. Maternity homes were popular, and many were run by Catholic organizations.

Rather’s report focuses on the experiences of birth mothers sent to live in maternity homes, and how they were forced to give away their babies. Birth mothers were often tricked or forced into signing relinquishment papers. Some were even told that their babies had died.

The part of the report that is most important to those of you in search is the revelation that agencies (like Catholic Charities) often changed the identifying information in adoption records. They did this, so that the birth mother would never be able to locate her child. They also changed the nationalities of children, to better match the nationalities of their adoptive families.  Thereby creating a perfect fit by falsehood.

If  you are searching for your birth family, this could be a crucial fact. If the agency that placed you changed your birth date, your internet searches could be omitting crucial information.  When you search online or register for reunion registries, I suggest using the year and state of your birth, in addition to the city and date of birth that appears on your amended birth certificate. Someone could be looking for you with information that is different than the info you have.

Troy Dunn, AKA The Locator, who was interviewed for the report, has heard from thousands of birth mothers who were forced to give up babies. He has also found birth date changes to be  commonplace. (Sickening, I know.) Dunn cited Catholic Charities as one of the biggest culprits. Therefore, if you were placed by Catholic Charities, I would question every bit of information provided in a letter of non-identifying information.

I highly recommend that birth mothers and adoptees view the show. Birth mothers may find some solace in knowing that they are not the only ones who had their babies stolen, and adoptees may find a new perspective on the horrible process, and what it means to their searches.

Blessings,
Vickilynn

Adoption Detective | Book

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Always happy to share a book that could be helpful in your search.
Happy hunting and blessings,
Vickilynn

Judith Land's avatarAdoption Detective: Memoir of an Adopted Child

“Adoption Detective is a story that is hard to forget—readers will want to keep a hanky close at hand. The plot is emotionally draining, engrossing throughout, and agonizing at times with great expectations followed by periods of both ecstasy and gut wrenching rejection. Nothing is fait accompli when it comes to affairs of the heart and on this account the book delivers.” —Jim and Penny Hassell, avid readers

 “The reader will hang on to every phase of the adoption search—this is a life story that deserves this book.” —Terrie Drake, librarian, Colorado Mountain College

This book is riveting—I literally could not put it down. Your story is solid and exceptional. I can’t say enough good things about this book.” —Sheila Mincer, speech-language pathologist, Mountain Board of Cooperative Educational Services.

“The writing style of the authors is precisely written  in an authentic voice that is uniquely fresh and bold…

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Mapping out Memories: Using Google Earth to Find Family

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According to a March 2012 report in Time Magazine, an Indian man named Saroo Brierley, who was adopted by Tasmanian parents, and lives in Australia, recently found his birthfamily using Google Earth.

Google Earth is a free application, that can be downloaded at Google.com/earth. The application allows users to take virtual tours anywhere in the world.  With amazing clarity, Google Earth lets you explore buildings, imagery, landscapes, waterways, etc.

Brierley left India at five-years-old, and had memories of begging on the streets with his brother. He also had some memory of landmarks that played a prominent role in his childhood. It was these tidbits of memory that had him zooming in and out on Google Earth for ten years, looking for a village that matched his age-washed memories.

He was successful. Brierley found the village, and his birthfamily. He was reunited with them in February of 2012. While Brierley says that communication is difficult, his reunion seems to be a happy one. According to the Time article, Brierley is even thinking of making his story into a movie.

While I cannot imagine that there are many instances where Google Earth is the best search tool on the Web. Brierley’s success does make a point about perseverance, and the crucial step of mapping out your memories.

If you have any memory of your birth family, no matter how vague, you need to write it down. Be as precise as possible with your list. List things as silly as “I had a pink teddy bear” and as identifying as “I heard a train go by everyday.”

By writing down your memories, and those of your family members, you may find clues that will help to narrow your search.  Interview your adoptive parents, and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins. Every memory is another pin on the map that will eventually lead to your birth family.

Adoptees Use DNA Testing to Find Relatives

/ V.L. Brunskill / 2 Comments

When I was searching for my birthfather, there were two possible culprits. My birthmother was a virgin when she arrived in the USA, and as naive as they come.  She met a nice man through a cousin, and he asked her to take a stroll on a NY beach.  During this walk, he raped her.

After her heart and trust was stolen, she decided that no man would ever take advantage of her again.  She had been attracted to an Army man, who wooed her endlessly, and after the horrible beach incident, she decided to pursue a relationship.

ynse/Flickr.com

So when she found out she was pregnant, she was not sure who my father was.  This left me with the difficult task of figuring it out. I found the date rapist first. He was actually a nice old guy, and swore that while he had dated my birthmother, there was no rape.  He had heard she was pregnant, and wondered if he might be a father.

When I found him, we had DNA testing done, and the negative result was heartbreaking, as he was truly tickled to have a newfound daughter.  We used the Fairfax Identity Lab.  I then went on to find my real birthfather, and he never wanted DNA testing. I knew he was the one, and therefore it was not necessary.

While DNA played a factor in my search, it was not the clue that opened the door to my identity. To find my birthmother and both father suspects,  took 13 years of pretty hard searching. Today, I am amazed at the level of identity and at the specific surnames that can be found through the process.

A New York Times article from January of this year, tells how adoptee Khrys Vaughan found her distant cousins using a DNA testing company, that not only provided her genetic countries of origin, but also gave her the names and email addresses of distant cousins.

The article suggests that testing can cost anywhere from $99 to more than $500.  Most of the companies I found are in the $300 range.  While I do not know anything about the reliability of these companies, the Times article mentions two testing companies; Family Tree DNA and 23andMe, claiming that “they  have databases that contain samples from 350,000 and 125,000 people.”  Those are pretty good odds for a match.

Note: Companies are competing for your DNA dollars. They do NOT share databases, so you might want to be tested by more than one.

My concern with these DNA companies is of course, accuracy. I had the same concerns back when I used DNA to confirm my birthfather’s identity.  However, I believe that the process has come a long way, and for those who have tried every other search avenue,, this could at least fill in the blanks as far as your real nationality.

Tread carefully, and ask around before coughing up the cash. I have added links to the two companies mentioned in the article. I may even give this a try in my effort to find my adoptive brother’s family. Of course, if I do, I will report my findings here.

Happy hunting and blessings,

Vicki-lynn

Step-by-Step Adoptee Search Advice from About.com

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

While there is no full proof method for finding your birth family, About.com Guide Kimberly Powell has done a nice job of breaking down the initial steps for searching. In the article “Adoption Search -Steps for Locating Adoptees, Birth Parents, and Adoption Records“, Powell offers seven steps to take once you decide to search.

catlovers/Flickr.com

The suggested search steps include:

  1. Write down everything you know, or ever heard about your adoption, birth family, and nationality. Nothing is unimportant! Think of what your relatives have said about your adoption.
  2. Interview your adoptive parents for information. Again, write it all down. Even the tiniest detail may be important.
  3. Gather documents. The article suggests that you ask your birth parents, which is of course a tough step for many adoptees, as they choose not to include the adoptive parents in their search. The article also suggests that you obtain your original adoption decree, amended birth certificate, and petition for adoption. Some states will allow you access to these items (all allow the amended birth certificate). However, in some states the adoption decree can only be requested by the adoptive parents.
  4. Request non-identifying information. I have two posts on this that should be helpful.Letter for Adoptees To Use When Requesting Non-Identifying Information
    Adoptee Search Tip: How Non-Identifying Information Identifies
  5. Register in every reunion registryyou can find. Make sure to look for state registries.  Another AdoptionFind post offers more on these registries and how to find them.Searching Reunion & Mutual Consent Registries
  6. Join a support group. The information shared in these groups, mailing lists and forums is abundant and worthy of your time.
  7. The final suggestion in About.com’s article is to think about using a Certified Intermediary (CI).  The only problem with this is that not all states offer this search assistance. Google on your state to see if they do.

Be sure to read the full article at Adopt.com, as it offers many links to additional information on Search Angels, the I.S.S.R national registry, and to a people search guide.  Although, none of these steps guarantees that you will find your birth parents names (as suggested at the start of the article), the information gathered with these steps may lead to your ultimately finding your family.

Personal note: I did not know my birth mother’s name until after I found my biological Uncle. He told me her name, so that it was not her full name that was crucial. It was my birth surname that aided in the search.

I found my birth name in the NYC Birth Register books. These are housed at the NY Public Library.  Check your city library to see if they have similar books, which break down births by date, and in my case, city Burroughs.  You can then look for the correct gender, and know that one of those kids is you! 

Your surname is the holy grail!