As moderator of the Facebook page –Adoptees who have found their biological relatives, I ask members to comment on reunion-related questions. This engaged community shares with gusto and their answers give insight into the many feelings associated with abandonment, adoption and reunion.
Last week, I asked the following question.
If you could say one thing about adoption to your birth mother (without guilt or censorship) what would it be?
These heartfelt replies are a testament to the pain, healing and resilience of adoptees.
- “You have made me feel like an abortion come to life. You nearly destroyed me when I first found you and every interaction thereafter has been unbearably painful. I believe you are a frozen person, disassociated from your pain and I feel sorry for you that your life is full of lies and secrets and you will not come into the light.”
- “One thing…..who’s my birth father? ….won’t tell any of us”
- “I forgive you.”
- “Just curious as to why you kept the 4 children you had after me. I’m not angry or bitter, just curious.. I’m not asking because I wonder what life would have been like with you either.. I’m curious by nature.”
- “Without guilt, thank you, and I mean it. Uncensored… you suck, and I mean that too. But I feel guilty about feeling it!”
- “I have had a wonderful live, but I missed you.”
- “You used the care system to dispose of me, but I made so much more of my life thanks to my short time in adoption and foster care. Thank you for negating me to your whole entire family, and lying for over 20 years who my father is. I’ve let go of that never and continue to strive to be a better mother woman and human being than you ever could be.”
- “It would be a question, not a statement. I would ask her if she ever thought about me.”
- “Thank you for giving me a stable healthy life.”
- “Thank you for healthfully bringing me into this world. Thank God you didn’t raise me. Why after 42 years do you still hold onto secrets?”
- “I would tell her that I wish she could have kept me, she wanted to, but was forced to give me up. Sad.”
- “My first mother and I have talked at length about my adoption and the events that lead up to it. A lot of illegal things were done and she was treated badly. I think the one thing I would say that I am not sure I have is, ‘I’m sorry those things were done to you.'”
- “You made the best decision ever to put me up for adoption…it was done out of love.”
- “I’m so glad we found each other, thank you for never giving up.”
- “I would tell her to seek professional help for the pain she has from losing me at birth, for no other reason than I need my mom. I need that safe place to curl up in her arms, and let all the hurt and pain of the past 45 years out. And then finish healing together. Wishful thinking. I know.”
- “Why? Why? Why? Why could you have given me to my birth fathers family instead of telling them I died?”
- “You lied! You also kept a sister after you relinquished me. You hurt me.”
- “Why would you still hide me from my family after all these years? I have not hid you from anyone in my family but if I did, how would that make YOU feel? I don’t think you realize how hiding my reality (and yours) just reinforces the feelings of being unworthy of acceptance. Still haunts me to this day.”
What would you say? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
I asked the same question with regard to adoptive parents, and will share those answers this weekend.
Blessings for open, healing adoption dialogue,
V.L.
