Rants and Raves

Holiday Wonder: Not so Wonderful for Adoptees in Search

/ V.L. Brunskill / Leave a comment

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to each of you. This can be the hardest time of year for adoptees and birth parents in search. The holidays bring  families together and thus the missing member looms ever larger and heavier on wondering hearts.

Amstramgram/Flickr.com

Amstramgram/Flickr.com

My Christmas experience  this year was blessed with knowing where all of my family members are, what they look like, and how they fit into the wonderful, whacky identity that is me. However,  I recall with fervent clarity, the pain and aching wonder of not knowing who I was for 27 years.

Being born on Christmas Eve, meant that every Christmas brought forth images of what it must have been like for my birth mother to be in labor before the holiday, knowing that I would not be going home with her. I now know that it ruined Christmas for her from that day forward. My half-brother and sister, always wondered why she was so sad at Christmas, and only when I found her in 1992 did they finally understand.

If you are Christian, this season is all about the miracle birth of Jesus, and so your own miraculous entry into the world comes to mind. For more than two decades, I  wondered if anyone smiled when I was born. I wondered if my birth mother thought of me on my birthday. I wondered if the nurses at the hospital put me in a stocking because I was a Christmas baby (as I’d seen depicted on TV).

My holiday gift to you, is to simply tell you that – I get it. I acknowledge the hidden pain of not knowing. You are perfectly normal to wonder about the missing puzzle piece. Whether signed away or stolen, you have a right to feel empty, and cheated, especially during this family focused season. I am sorry for your loss, and hope with all my heart that 2013 will be a year of glorious reunion for you.

Miracles do happen, and so I will end with a story of holiday hope and adoption reunion from Ireland.

Family’s dream Christmas reunion becomes a reality | Irish Examiner.

Blessings for a peaceful heart and the calm that knowing brings,
Vicki-lynn

Boston Catholic Charities Insults Adoptees with Search Fees: Time for Penance

/ V.L. Brunskill / 5 Comments
Penance

Penance

I just stumbled upon a pdf document titled “Catholic Charities’ Search and Reunion Policy.” The document, posted by Catholic Charities Boston Archdiocese, outlines the rules and fees for adoption reunion services.

Catholic Charities altered adoptee birth dates, and background information in the 1960s-80s, and the organization has been accused of forcing unwed mother’s  to give up their babies.  (See the Dan Rather report). Yet the agency has the gall to charge for reunion information.

In the wake, of national apologies for forced adoptions in Australia, and amid the frustration of searching adoptees stuck in a sea of red tape and lies, you would think that such a ‘Christian’ organization would go out of it’s way to assist the adoptees whose identities they altered- for FREE!

What happened to The Catholic Premise of paying penance for sins committed against God and neighbor?

I am posting the list of fees and rules from the undated document below. Also, I want to mention that I was placed through Children’s Aid Society of New York, and I did not pay a penny for my non-identifying information.

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Catholic Charities’ Search and Reunion Policy

Our Mission: Catholic Charities recognizes that adoption is a lifelong process. Our post adoption program offers a continuum of services that respects the relationships among the adoptee, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents. In all circumstances, confidentiality and our clients’ best interests are our primary concern.

Catholic Charities Serves:
• Adopted persons – all individuals who were adopted through Catholic Charities in the Boston Archdiocese of Massachusetts and all other agencies for which Catholic Charities now maintains the records.
• Birth parents and siblings of persons adopted, as stated above.
• Adoptive parents of adoptees that are still minors, as stated above.

How Massachusetts Law Guides Catholic Charities’ Services:
Catholic Charities’ policies and procedures comply with Massachusetts General Law c.210 section 5D governing the release of adoption information.
The law specifically addresses the exchange and disclosure of adoption information, both identifying and non-identifying, that an agency holds in its records. It states that an adoptee cannot request, without parental consent, non-identifying information before they are 18, and identifying information before they are 21. It states that identifying information cannot be
released without a signed consent from a birth parent or an adoptee. It also states that a birth parent’s release needs to be at least 30 days old before identifying information is released.

However, it does not address or preclude the agency from utilizing that information to locate or contact any member of the adoption triad and inquire as to their wishes regarding contact. If permission is granted, it must be in writing. If permission is not granted, either because the person cannot be found or the party has declined to grant permission, release of identifying information is prohibited by the above law. Siblings and other family members are not addressed in the statute and therefore have no legal standing to information separate from the birth parents.

Confidentiality, with all its rights and responsibilities, belongs to the birth parent(s) and the adoptee, and only they or a court of competent jurisdiction may waive their rights.

In accordance with this, siblings who were not themselves adopted and other family members who wish to receive information or initiate a search cannot do so unless the birth parent is deceased. In which case, the birth parent’s death certificate and documentation from the inquiring party, demonstrating the relationship to the birth parent, must be furnished.

In all cases, the decision to proceed with a search to locate someone is the discretion of the agency. It is also Catholic Charities’ policy to attempt to notify all parties who have a signed release on record to determine if they still want to release identifying information, unless the release clearly indicates that prior notification is not required.

What We Offer Adoptees
• Adoptees can update their birth family/adoptive family’s files with personal information and their wish for contact with their birth parents if their birth parents were to contact us. There is no cost for this.
• Adoptees who are 18 or older can request that their birth family/adoptive family’s records be reviewed for a signed release. There is a $25.00 fee for this.
• Adoptees who are 18 years or older can request only medical information contained in the record. The cost for this service is $50.00.
• Adoptees who are 18 or older can request non-identifying information from the file, including all background information that is in the record, and copies of medical or psychological reports relating to them. The background information would be documented in summary form. The cost for this is $150.00.

Adoptees can request a search for their birth parents providing they are 21 years or older, or have their adoptive parent’s permission.

• When a search is requested and there is no consent to release identifying information in the record, the Adoption Department’s clinical team will determine whether to grant such a request. If the request is approved, Catholic Charities will make all reasonable efforts to locate the identified individual and will act as an intermediary to determine whether that person is agreeable to contact. The agency will discuss search-related issues and concerns with either party as needed. If the identified person is agreeable to contact, CatholicCharities will facilitate contact between the two parties. The parties will be responsible for the nature and extent of continued communication. The fee for up to five hours of work on each birth parent search is $250.00. Additional work will be billed at $50.00 per hour.
• When a search is requested and there is a consent in the record but the information is not current, Catholic Charities will attempt to locate the identified party to establish their current disposition. If the identified person is agreeable to contact, Catholic Charities will facilitate contact between the parties. The fee for up to five hours of work on each birth parent search is $250.00. Additional work will be billed at $50.00 per hour.
• When a search is requested and there is a current release in the record, Catholic Charities will notify the parties involved and facilitate contact as requested. The fee for this is $150.00.
• If an adoptee has the identity and whereabouts of their birth parent, they can request that an adoption professional make the initial contact. Catholic Charities will verify the information that is provided, and contact the birth parent to determine if they agree to contact. The agency will discuss search-related issues and concerns with each party and facilitate contact. The cost for this service is $150.00.

Birth Parents
• Birth parents are encouraged to update their file with personal information and their disposition regarding contact with the child they placed for adoption. There is no fee for this.
• Birth parents can request that their record be reviewed for a release from the adopted child. The fee for this service is $25.00.
• Birth parents can request non-identifying information regarding the family that adopted their child. The background information would be documented in summary form. The fee for this service is $150.00.
• Birth parents can request a copy of their birth parent record. The cost for this is $25.00.
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Blessings for a speedy and  FREE reunion!

Vicki-lynn

Video News: Rhode Island Law Leads to Adoption Reunion

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Eerily similar to my own reunion at Boston’s Logan Airport in 1992, this NBC news report reminds us why state adoption laws must be changed. Open records and access for all adult adoptees, will only be possible when state legislators cut through the red-tape, and change outdated adoptions laws.

Today. most adoptions are open. All parties enter an adoption agreement with identities revealed, nationalities intact and birthday’s remembered. In the 1950’s. 60’s and 70’s, unwed pregnancy was viewed as a sin against God, family and society. The children placed during those decades are now adults  in a wholly different world, and state laws should reflect the new culture of acceptance, genetic importance, and basic human rights.

Bravo, to Rhode Island for opening its adoption records to allow for this wonderful reunion.

To learn how to access your RI adoption records, check out the post ‘RI Adoptees over 25 Years Allowed Original Birth Certificates.’

Blessings that all states see the light, and open our records,

Vicki-lynn

New Jersey Adoption Reform: A Circus of Assumptions

/ V.L. Brunskill / 12 Comments
Marissa Babin/Flickr.com

Governor Chris Christie

Keeping up with all the news on state adoption legislation can be difficult, as things change faster than you can say, “found.”  The latest state with on again/off again legislation debate is New Jersey.

Blogger Susan P. of the Family Rights blog, brought to my attention Governor Chris Christie’s fumble on what could have been truly monumental legislation. The proposed open records law in NJ (as originally drafted) would have free adoptees from years of forced secrecy and gut-wrenching searches.

Adoption Reform is on the  move in NJ, and it seems that Christie and other legislators are twisting what should be a straight-forward, open records law, into a political nightmare. Fears of increased abortion rates, and the overzealous assumption that all birth mothers want secrecy,  has turned  NJ Adoption Reform  into a three-ring circus of church, state, and stupidity!

According to a blog titled, ‘Christie’s ‘compromise’ on Adoptees’ birthright bill unfair’ at NJ.com, Christie “conditionally vetoed the Adoptees’ Birthright Bill (A1406) in June 2011,  suggesting that legislators write in  a loophole for birthmothers to opt-out of the release of original birth certificates to adult adoptees.  From what I understand, this would come in the form of a one-year grace period before adoptees can act on the open records law. This would allow birth mothers a year to deny access.

Susan of the Family Rights Blog recently wrote, “Other states have successfully passed “clean” bills (Oregon, Maine, New Hampshire and Rhode Island), and it sickens me that some adoptees will be hurt by a concession to the fears of some legislators.”

I wholeheartedly agree! Adoptees deserve the same rights as every American. The availability of our original birth certificates should not open for debate.  Chris Christie has his original, unaltered birth certificate, and every person born in NJ deserves the same.

Adoptees did not sign away any rights. Therefore, access to records should be allowed without clauses of birth parent protection, or interference from the same “Christian” organizations that  forced many of the adoptions to begin with.  In response to criticism of his actions, Christie said, “Adoptees want it all.”

You got that right Christie!  We want all the same rights that you take for granted.

Keep the Faith NJ adoptees. Your truth is coming!

Vicki-lynn

UPDATE: Please note the comments section for a better understanding of Christie’s actions.  Turns out that while the circus continues, I had a few performance details askew!

Australia Apologizes for Forced Adoptions: America Next?

/ V.L. Brunskill / 3 Comments

There has been quite a bit of adoption buzz this week on forced adoption practices in Australia during the 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s.  The news culminated with yesterday’s public apology by New South Wales Premier Barry O’Farrell.

ABC News Australia reports that O’Farrell’s apology was this:

“We are sorry you’ve had to wait for so long for this apology. We know that you live with the consequences of those practices every day.

We are sorry for the forced adoption practices that severed the fundamental life-giving bonds between mother and child.

We apologise to the mothers who were not asked or listened to and who were never given a choice about the future of their children. We apologise for making you feel ashamed and unfit to care for your babies.

We say sorry for treating you cruelly and insensitively when what you needed and deserved most was care and support.

To the women who have carried the pain of loss, grief and separation throughout your lives, we say sorry.”

Well said, but woefully late and inadequate, the apology has served a greater purpose, in revealing the dirty reality of many adoptions. The news coverage surrounding the apology is an excellent opportunity to educate the general public on the horrors faced by unwed pregnant mothers in the mid-20th century. Not just in Australia, but in America as well.

I recently blogged on the Dan Rather report “Adopted & Abducted” which revealed forced adoption practices in America. Yes, women in our country were also strapped to beds, so they would not attempt escape with their babies. Women in our country were also drugged so that they would never know the gender of their babies. Women in the USA also had their hands held while they were forced to sign adoption papers.

Children were stolen in America, just as they were in Australia.

When will America apologize? Since our adoption practices/laws are governed by state agencies, and most of the forced adoptions of the 50’s-80’s were handled by religious agencies, don’t hold your breath!

Rather than an apology, my wish for all members of the adoption triad, whether forced or voluntarily separated, is for every state to open records for adult adoptees in search. Adoptees did not sign a relinquishment form, and it should be the  civil right of every American adoptee to know their ethnicity, medical history, and roots.

So forget the apology America, we want justice.

Blessings for a speedy reunion,

Vicki-lynn

Off for a bit

/ V.L. Brunskill / Leave a comment

Thank you to all who have been reading this blog. I have been off for a bit as my 70-year-old, adoptive mother -Mom- fights breast cancer.

I will be back in force, covering all the adoption news as soon as I can.

She is fighting the good fight, and I ask that all women remember to get a breast checkup. Mom’s  invasive tumors were found in a routine mammogram.

Blessing to all,

Vicki-lynn

 

Adopt-ist Entertainment: The Avengers Movie Slams Adoptees

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

What the cuss?

Universal Pictures-Problem Child

The recently released Marvel movie “The Avengers” is another example of entertainment media misrepresenting adoptees, the adoption process and even adoption searches.  This most recent adoptee slam comes in the form of a line spit out by the almighty Thor, claiming that his brother Loki is a violent whack job because “he’s adopted.” 

I am not a Comic-Con kind of gal, but I am sure that legions of fans will get a chuckle out of this reference.  It seems that more and more entertainment sources are off their non-adopted rockers when it comes to anything resembling adoption reality.

Case in point, in a recent episode of ABC’s General Hospital, a character named Samantha (Sam) strolls into the hospital where her husband (Jason) was born, asks for his birth records (he is adopted) and is handed everything she asks for without a court order, handshake or even his written permission. Oh, that it were so easy for any adoptee!

Another adoptee media slam from 2010, was in a commercial for  a company called ‘For Eyes’. In their commercial, a  Brad and Angelina lookalike couple  walk into a eyeglass shop, followed  by a bunch of multi-cultural children. They offer to adopt the clerk so she will have a  “better life.”  The DeClassified Adoptee blog has a great post on this.

Even ABC’s hit show, Modern Family, which addresses the sensitive topic of international and gay adoption, with surprisingly effective humor, has made mistakes.  In one episode the gay couple who was searching for a child to adopt, joked that a birth mom asked them to show her son, “all 52 states” and that they would “save him from a life time of trying to find East Dakota.” Not so funny to the birth mothers of the world.

Of course, there is also the 1990 movie Problem Child, which tells the story of an adopted seven-year-old, devil child whose is cruel to animals, sets fires, and pees in inappropriate places.   The list of Adopt-ist media formulas goes on and on.

I am not so thin-skinned that these things keep my awake at night. However, I believe that stereotypes, especially those that are hurtful, damaging or ignorant should die a quick media death. Adoptees portrayed as criminal misfits, birth moms portrayed as idiots, and general misinformation about our struggles to know where we come from, are unacceptable and really…not that funny!

Dear Gov. McDonnell of Virginia, Thanks for the Life Sentence aka ‘Adoption Conscience Clause’

/ V.L. Brunskill / Leave a comment

Here I am, a five-year-old foster care kid, hoping for a forever family. My birth parents, who signed away all rights to me, are out of the picture. They do not send money, gifts, or even best wishes for my birthday.

zax14/flickr.com

For two years, I have waited for a forever family to adopt me.  I have met a couple of families, but so far noone has chosen me. Everyone says that it is  hard for us older foster kids to find a family. I hear that once I get to eight-years-old, my chances of being adopted will be even worse.

I have no real family, no place to lay down my roots, or feel safe, Yet, I am expected to thrive in a world that values family above all things. There have been a couple of nice couples in to see me. One was a couple of ladies, the other was a Jewish family who seemed so loving. I sure wish they could have taken me to my forever home.

They are not allowed though, because I happen to live in Virginia (or maybe its is North Dakota). In these states, the Catholic agency that holds my destiny in their hands, has decided that it’s better for me to remain in foster care, rather than be placed with anyone who is not Catholic.

My drug addicted, abusive birth parents were Catholic, and since they were such upstanding members of  society, I have to be placed with other Catholics. That’s what they wanted. Sure, they left me here and are living proof that claiming a religion does not make you a decent caregiver, but laws in my state say that my Catholic agency can choose to leave me in foster care, rather than allow me to be raised by non-Catholics. It is called an ‘agencies’ freedom of conscience’.

So here I sit, wishing for a forever family, while loving, caring, financially secure, and responsible couples wish for me.  To the politicians, the new laws are a victory. For me, it’s a life sentence.

Thanks for nothing Gov. Bob McDonnell!

Adoption Not Magic: Babies Don’t Disappear, They Grow Up

/ V.L. Brunskill / 1 Comment

I wrote this as a reply to a reader’s comment on my post titled “RI Adoptees over 25 Years Allowed Original Birth Certificates.”

A women named Lisa Marie posted a thoughtful comment that starts, “How sad for all those birth parents who chose adoption over abortion expecting to be able to have privacy. Since the 1970′s birth parents could have chosen an open adoption if they didn’t care about privacy. The majority didn’t.”

You can visit the post to view her comment, in it’s entirety.

summerandstephen/Flickr.com

My reply:

First of all thank you for sharing your opinions here. You make some good points. However, all of them assume that a birth parent’s rights are more important than those of the adoptee. Adoptees did not sign away their rights. Identity is a human right. I do not think that adoptees should come strolling into birthparents lives, without some other communication first, letters, phone calls, perhaps even an intermediary.  When I searched, I did not even tell my Uncle, who I found first, that I was his sister’s child.  I was careful, gentle, and protective. Her’s was not my secret to tell.

However, it is my human right to know that I inherited my nose from my grandfather, my love of writing from my grandmother, my outspokenness from my birthfather. It is my human right to know that “sugar” issues run in the family. It was my human right, and innate pleasure, to stand on the foundation of the first Richard’s house built in Newfoundland, Canada, which was built by my great, great, great, great grandfather. It is my human right to look into the eyes of the woman who bore me, and ask, ‘Why?”

Surely, no one who gives birth, and chooses to give away the child, for whatever reason, can believe that their rights are more important than those of the child they gave up.  The very least they can do, is to share photos, medical information, personal family history.

The very least they can do is complete the identity they started.

Not all adoptees search, and not all birthmothers cower in fear.  We are all unique beings, and adoptees deserve to know how they became the people that they are.

Adoption is not a magic. Babies do not disappear into a void, never to be heard from again. We are real living, breathing people who deserve the same history, and wholeness of being that every non-adoptee takes for granted.

St. Patricks Day and a Taiwanese Adoptee’s Search

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For 27 years, until July 1, 1991, I was Irish.

mmarchin/Flickr.com

I was treated each year to an Irish celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. My Sicilian/German adoptive family wore green plastic hats, feasted on corned beef & cabbage, and made a merry spectacle of the day.

When I found my birthmother, I asked her about my lineage. “Your family is from Newfoundland, by way of Wales and England.” I was no longer Irish. All of the years that I had claimed St. Patrick’s Day as a celebration of my biological roots, were fun but false.

We believed that I was Irish, because it was written in my adoption papers.  We were wrong. Since thousands of non-Irish folks celebrate St. Pat’s, this discovery changed  my personal identity, but was not as life-altering as the truckload of facts revealed by reunion.Imagine though, the shock of being an international adoptee, and finding that your nationality is a complete fabrication.

Marijane Chaling Nguyen, an American adopted from Asia, lived her life thinking that she was Vietnamese and Japanese.  Later, after her adoptive mother’s death, she discovered that she was Taiwanese. Marijane chronicles her search in a blog titled “Beyond Two Worlds: Musings of an Asian-American Adoptee”.

Marijane’s story is retold in an article titled, ‘A Taiwanese American Adoptee’s Journey and Search for Identity‘ at AsianWeek.com.  This woman’s heartfelt journey  is a beautiful look at the importance of identity,  cultural  awareness, and an adoptees right to the truth.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day y’all!